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The pain Bill and Opal felt on a regular basis did not seem normal. How could it be? Were you really supposed to feel like you wanted to hit your child in the head with a hammer? No other family they knew seemed to struggle this much. Their son seemed to be their shining star, but even he, on occasion, seemed to behave in ways that left them feeling completely overwhelmed. Such as when he got caught stealing from the local gas station, or for pulling his pants down and “mooning” the students in the cafeteria. The joy from the first moments of meeting were long gone, just fragmented memories of hope for the future. Mostly fantasies and fairy tales based on episodes from television and advertisements of families laughing and frolicking in the water during a summer vacation. Bill and Opal were my parents and I can guarantee you, they did not sign up for what they ended up getting. Well actually they did…they signed the papers! Just the very thought overwhelms a parent, “This was a mistake.” Shame, guilt, resentment, embarrassment, frustration, sadness, just a few of the emotions that course daily through the mind and body of the adoptive parent who feels at a loss for how to connect and understand their child. How do parents and children end up trapped in a dynamic where jail oftentimes feels like a better option than the anxiety that occurs daily in response to their interactions? In this article I will explore a few areas where we send adoptive parents happily down a path with their adopted child which ends in many occasions walking blindly right off of a cliff. The purpose of this article is to express ideas that will generate thinking which may lead to discussions and new understandings. Dreams, Fantasies, and Fairytales From their very beginning potential adoptive parents are sold a bill of goods. Unintentionally social workers time and again paint a picture similar to the commercials that feature the singer Sarah Mclachlan and the broken down dogs, or the Feed the Children guy and his starving children of Africa. These poor, abandoned, little fallen angels from heaven just need a home. Praise God and do them and us a favor, take them home. They just need love and a home. First victim, the social workers who have been convinced that this is true. Most of them have never adopted much less fostered a child. On many occasions they don’t even have children of their own. Second victim, the lonely parents that believe this spiel. Out of their loneliness and search to find fulfillment, they are wide open for the delivery. Like a dad so desperate to buy a car for his family that he can’t see the large oil puddle sitting right underneath the car. Third victim, the child and the biological parents that give them up for adoption. Both lose a part of themselves forever. Social Workers Fear is a dominant, unconscious experience in our lives. It is alive and well at all levels of human engagement. The field of social work as it relates to adoption is no different. Social agencies are overwhelmed by the sheer number of children needing protection from abuse and neglect. This is probably the first place we mess up. We think we know better than others. Rather than supporting, educating, and training, we just take children away. We pass judgment, put the child in a surrogate home and then move on. The big fear involved here is, “If we don’t rescue this child something bad is going to happen and then I will feel pain”. Answer: Avoid the threat of pain and remove the child and place him in an environment where the threat of pain is less. If we consider the sheer cost of an overwhelmed foster care system which systematically creates more abuse and neglect of children than it does success then would it really cost that much more to place whole families in surrogate educational homes? Of course this question creates an opportunity for a philosophical debate which is not the purpose of this article. The natural reaction to this systematic practice of child removal is to eventually end up responsible for more children with greater psychological, emotional, and spiritual issues than one person can possibly imagine much less actually provide care for. Foster parents are simply not trained well enough and in most occasions are not equipped to deal with the level of need of these children. Because of this disruption instances are frequent, perhaps more frequent than longevity of care. I would be curious to see the actual numbers. And then also abuse a natural occurrence because we are humans. We get frustrated. We feel despair and feel hopeless to help the child behave better. Of course these are all deeply personal reactions to behaviors demonstrated by children which ideally would not be taken personally, but again. We are human. Adoptive Parents And what of the adoptive parent who steps in to bring life sustaining love and affection for a child who comes from an environment of stress, depression, abandonment in the most romanticized view or worse prenatal neglect, ritualistic abuse and violence on the same continuum but at the other extreme? Therein lies the title of this article. This parent cannot possibly maintain sanity. Exposure to stress for extended periods of time is perhaps one of the simplest working definitions of trauma. A poorly equipped adoptive parent, who is actually completely unsuspecting of what’s to come, cannot do anything more than go into shock once the reality sets in that the angel you’ve brought home in many ways somewhat represents a devil. Yes a strong comparison and lest you think I am being extreme let’s look briefly at an adoption situation where on the surface it appears nothing could be further from the truth. Joan watched somewhat helplessly as her adult daughter struggled on a near daily basis to connect with her adopted daughter. Joan’s daughter seemed to be doing fine with her adopted son, but she was really struggling to connect with the daughter. Her adult daughter, Rayne, would call her with frustration and desperation, “Mom she just won’t do what I ask her to do. It’s like she’s a little adult and wants to make her own decisions, and then she wants to make decisions for Ryan too. Just this morning she told me ‘No I want cereal and so does Ryan’, and then she commenced moving Ryan’s plate of waffles to the other side of the table and was actually going to try to make them cereal. It’s not cute anymore. She’s driving me crazy.” Yet again Joan listened, offered support and advice based on her thirty years of experience as a counselor. One day Rayne showed up at Joan’s doorstep with the child and ultimatum, take her or she’s going back to foster care. Joan brought Cassy into her home and began preparing a home for her granddaughter, now daughter. She expected Rayne to be back in a week or so, but four years later Cassy and Joan were together except now Joan was experiencing the same hell Rayne had been living. When Joan called me she was at her wits end. “I need help. I am desperate,” she stated. “Never in my life have I experienced anything like this. This child is the sweetest, quietest, most innocent looking child on the outside, but as soon as we are home or out of sight of others, she is another person. She has hit us, lies constantly, hoards food, is defiant at every turn, has the worst hygiene because she still wets the bed so she wears a pull up at night, then she doesn’t want to take it off in the morning, and the list just goes on and on. I feel like I am going absolutely insane trying to parent this child.” Was this parent being overly dramatic? Sadly, no. It was a very real situation. In fact, on a near nightly basis they were engaging in a physical restraint over the child’s resistance to taking a bath or having her hair washed. This situation was very real and if you are an adoptive parent it probably strikes a similar cord within you. The Adopted Child Who does this all center around? Of course the child. The one person everyone else deems helpless in the scenario and that everyone wants to rescue. Also the one individual that is rarely if ever consulted about what she thinks is in her best interest, and if asked, is even more seldom listened to. The natural outcome? Everyone pays the price. Since I have written extensively about the experience of trauma and stress on the developing brain of the child in my book From Fear to Love: Parenting difficult adopted children I will only give what I believe to be the most relevant insight for adults working with this child. There are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. Where one exists the other does not. When a child has experienced trauma it creates an indelible fear imprint upon his brain that will influence her thinking, feelings, and behaviors for the remainder of her life. Simply, adoption creates stress sensitive and fear-full children. The experience is like a physical handicap without the wheelchair, autism without the obvious social impairments, a drunk man without the smell of alcohol on his breath. Adoption is a disabling event oftentimes with very few visible wounds. They are primarily neurologic, physiologic and emotional in nature. Non-visible to the human eye. The adopted child is quite literally held hostage by her previous experiences which start in utero. Everyone around the child just wants to love and guide her but by very nature of her core experience these very acts are threatening to her internal system, in many instances triggering a life or death reaction. I once worked with an overwhelmed adoptive family who was stuck in a nightly drama with their daughter. She was vehemently resistant to taking a shower. The dynamic had gone on now for years. It was essentially a conditioned battle, it starts to get dark and each fighter takes their corner and prepares for the match. Every single night for five years this struggle had been occurring and it had begun to create a defining dynamic for the rest of their day to day relationship. Having gone to therapists of all makes and breeds, the family still struggled. The breakthrough for the mother occurred while hearing one of my lectures. She emailed me several weeks after the lecture and recanted the story: “Every night in my home there is a fight when it comes to my daughter taking a shower. Since she was five years old we have had near nightly struggles with her around this area of her hygiene. A story you told during your lecture gave me an idea to try out your technique. That same night I went home and prior to going up to ask my daughter to take a shower I took several deep breaths and got myself calm. When I said to her it was time for her shower, sure enough, she became reactive, screaming, telling me she wasn’t going to, etc. Usual behavior, but this time, I was very calm. I said to her very clearly, ‘honey if you need anything I’ll be right there.’ She actually went and got in the shower. I was a bit dumbstruck. Once she got in the shower she began calling me like she usually does, ‘Mom the water is too cold or it’s too hot,’ ‘Mom I dropped my towel’, ‘Mom I dropped the soap’, ‘Mom, mom, mom’, it goes on and on, but this time I did something different. When she called me I went into the bathroom, got what she needed and I said, ‘honey I’m not going anywhere. If you need something I’ll be right here,’ and I sat myself right there on the toilet. Frankly it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever witnessed. She completed her shower without any further incident. I was still in shock when I asked her to come sit beside me on the bed. Now here I am sitting with my nine year old daughter on the bed, she still had the towel wrapped around her and I said, ‘honey that was the best shower we have had in nearly five years. Honey, what scares you so much about taking a shower?’ My sweet nine year old daughter looked up at me and in the most sincere way said, ‘well mom the guy that molested me used to make me take a shower with him!’ Learning about molestation was not new. In fact, it was the reason we had been to so many therapists and counselors, but what was new was that in nearly five years I had not once asked my daughter ‘what about the shower scares you so much!’ I immediately replied to her, ‘honey you don’t have to take a shower, you can take a bath.’ And that was the end of our shower struggles.” Six months later that same mom emailed me to tell me that her daughter was in and out of the bath now without so much as a peep. That same nine year old is no longer nine, she is now 21 years old and is finishing college. I’ve been doing this work now for fifteen years. It doesn’t sound like a long time until you add the depth of pain I’ve experienced with the countless families I have served. Fear knows no limits. It grows and grows until we can no longer recognize it. Love seems to disappear. If anything I’ve written here strikes a chord with you I want to encourage you not to give up. Love is still present, it’s just waiting for you to recognize fear for fear. When it comes to adopted children we can all do much better. You are not alone. There is hope, there is help. Bryan Post, an adopted and former foster child, is one of America’s Foremost Child Behavior and Adoption Experts and founder of www.PostInstitute.com The love-based, family-centered principles and concepts offered by Bryan have been taught to more than one million parents and professionals around the world. You can receive a free copy of his best-selling adoption parenting book From Fear to Love by going to https:///www.feartolovebook.com Currently Bryan serves as Clinical Director for Parents in Training, a 501 (c) 3 non-profit, providing wraparound services to adoptive families throughout Northern California. To learn more visit www.theleafcompany.com
The following report was written to assist school districts in the educational planning for children with past histories of trauma specifically adopted children. It contains background information and specific recommendations that are based on my clinical knowledge of stress, trauma and its subsequent impact on the developing brain of the adopted child. This report is intended to assist school district staff in the creation of an effective educational environment by providing a concise understanding of a child’s psycho-emotional susceptibilities as well as recommendations that are routinely implemented in numerous schools to help create a rewarding educational experience for both the child and the teacher. Early Exposure to Trauma Adoption is trauma. The early in utero experience combined with the separation from the biological mother at birth creates an indelible imprint on the brain and cellular experience of the adopted child that in most instances will plague the child for a lifetime. Exposure to traumatic experiences during early development, specifically from conception to age three, exposes the developing neurophysiologic system to what can be termed as arrested emotional development. The environment of calm and consistent interaction between parent and child, necessary for successful development of the brain/body tools associated with emotional growth and regulation, is absent. This absence creates a state of chronic stress without soothing. The developing child continuously experiences stress during a critical period of growth when he should be experiencing calm regulated interaction. The outcome is a brain system poorly equipped for tolerating and managing stressful environments. Exposure to abnormal stress results in the emotional state of fear. The brain and body reacts to stress inwardly, but this correlates cognitively into fear, hence the fight, flight, or freeze response. The specific receptor in the limbic system equipped for responding to threats is the amygdala. This area of the brain reacts to all manner of threat automatically. For example, when stress occurs, the child becomes scared immediately. This is an amygdala reaction. However, the hypothalamus, whose responsibility is to regulate the release of oxytocin, the brains “anti-stress” hormone is the area of the limbic system responsible for determining how threatening a stressful event is, acting as the fear regulator, by releasing oxytocin. The problem is that the oxytocin response is a learned response and early trauma experience dampens this response thereby rendering the mechanism for helping the child to calm down as inadequate. Ultimately this leads to an amygdala that constantly signals danger, and a hippocampus that is so poorly developed that it is unable to determine how dangerous a situation or interaction may be. As a result, there is an escalation of stress and fear without rational processing available to reduce it. In the words of reputed neuropsychiatrist Bruce Perry, “You have a child that has had an amygdala hijacking.” The amygdala reacts to stress and prompts fear in an uncontrollable manner, and the child is essentially held hostage to his or her own neurophysiology. In fact, research demonstrates that chronic levels of stress will damage the hippocampus, causing an actual reduction in neural dendrites. As the child continues to grow, his emotional system remains under arrest. This continues until an environment conducive to constant regulation has been provided. Once such an environment is provided, a slow tedious process of reparative stress interaction can begin. In a highly regulated environment, the developing system can experience emotional regulation and develop new self-regulatory neuropathways. However, stressful interactions will rapidly send this highly sensitive system back into old patterns of chronic intensified fear triggered from the stress reaction, analogous to what may happen to an inmate released from jail on probation who is successful under constant supervision and positive interaction, but without supervision is quickly drawn into the wrong crowd, and before long is back in jail. When a child continues to require enhanced supervision beyond three years it becomes increasingly difficult for parents and eventually teachers and peers, to respond positively. As a result, the arrested neural development is maintained, and the child is not provided the necessary regulated environment to overcome the early and powerful effects of trauma (stress) exposure. School Time Challenges In developmental terms, three age states are defined for children: 1) chronological age, 2) cognitive age, and 3) emotional age. Most children who reach the chronological age to start school show comparable cognitive and emotional ages. For children with emotional arrested development the emotional age is much younger. In this case, when experiencing low stress and positive interactions, this same child is bright, articulate and engaging. He functions well and his behavior is consistent with his chronological age. However, while the child is eight chronologically and of school age, when under stress he can quickly revert to the emotional age of a two-year old, exhibiting many of the same behaviors. Due to an early traumatic (stress) environment relating to adoption, family illness, multiple household moves and caregivers, or any number of traumatic events, this child’s emotional ability is not consistent with the appropriately functioning age of the school-ready child. Typical characteristics of the school environment are easily misperceived by the child’s developing system and induce stress. The constant state of stress correlates into fear, which surfaces as hyperactivity, defiance, anger, poor peer relations, and so on. In such an environment, a child with a cognitive age of eight is interacting from an emotional perspective consistent with an 18 to 36 month old child. Thus his behavior will be dependent on the environment in which he is nurtured and guided in his development. Over time, without appropriate support, a lack of ability to feel calm within the school environment will begin to take its toll on all involved, parents, teachers, and peers, but most of all the student. The thought of school itself becomes a stress-provoking event. The child recognizes his own failures, his parents are stressed about receiving calls and negative reports, the teachers are frustrated with this immature child, and peers have begun bullying the child because he responds in highly inappropriate ways to what is considered typical childhood jollying, or other children are the recipient of the child-turned-bully due to his constant fear of threat from others. However, the child is responding to fear exactly the way a child of his emotional age would, with extreme ranges of sadness, anger, and threatening behavior. In the classroom, the perceived threatening environment will cause the child to hunker down in fear, become violent or highly oppositional, and completely resistant to doing, or following through with any manner of request. Working as a Team for Development For success, the school and parents must come face to face to work together as a team. In my work with students that present such an overwhelming discrepancy between emotional and cognitive age, a number of changes must be initiated. First, it must be stated up front that education is the primary motive of the educational system, and is highly applicable to cognitive ability rather than emotional growth. Emotional learning must initiate within the family system as the family is the center of educational and emotional development. However, emotional learning can be greatly supported and enhanced by the school. With proper support and encouragement from the family and teacher, the student will be better prepared to receive the expertise offered from the educational system. The specific recommendations below for such a child have been established to assist him in receiving the most appropriate environment conducive to emotional development within his current capability. It must be recognized that without sufficient support to aid in his development of emotional regulatory ability, most school experience will be negative. Awareness. Perhaps the most beneficial factor that will assist this child in learning is teacher awareness. It is imperative for his teacher to be consciously aware of his emotional state at all times, and provide a calming influence. This would include the teacher making a conscious and consistent effort to warmly greet the child each morning, and to assess his emotional state. This can be enhanced by having the parent give a brief nod as to whether it has been a morning of anxiety or relatively regulated. From this point the teacher will be better able to determine the needs of the child and perhaps the flexibility that might be required that day. In this same manner, if the child is proving to have a difficult morning it is important for the teacher charged with his care to be proactive in creating a less threatening environment for him. This might be achieved by taking a few minutes for special time together at key points during the day, particularly during transitions, at the beginning of recess, walking with him to lunch, or making the recess monitor aware of his sensitive state. Containment. It is important to recognize that any manner of stimulus can be deemed a threat by this child at any time. In an effort to create an effective environment for him, the concept of containment is most appropriate. Containment refers to the need to keep the child in a space of more direct proximity to the teacher than what might be needed for other students. Examples include sitting at the front of the class as opposed to the back, sitting near the teacher, eating lunch closer to the teacher’s table, or playing within a certain vicinity on the playground. Structure/Routine. School is oftentimes associated with consistency and structure, however the need for this is amplified when considering a child with a trauma history. Any change in structure will create a defiant reaction in the child toward the request. This child in particular is noted for having difficulty in making transitions that are considered relatively mild to others. It would be appropriate for the teacher to notify the parent, when at all possible, if there will be a substitute teacher, or a change in routine. Time-In. During times that the student appears to be moving into a state of dysregulation that cannot be interrupted through a simple request or redirection, it is recommended that the teacher invoke a “time-in.” Different from a time-out, utilizing the time-in technique recognizes that the child is not intentionally acting out, but rather has gone outside of his ability to control his own behavior. This might be most effective by having the student spend five minutes in positive rather than punitive connection with the teacher outside of the classroom while the principal maintains the room for a brief period of time. This technique has proven over time to be one of the most effective. Mentoring. When at all possible it is highly recommended that at least one member of the school outside of the teacher/student relationship, be prompted to develop an aside relationship with the child. The individual might make an effort to greet him in the mornings, and again in the afternoon. Also this individual could become a regulatory figure for the child during times that he is struggling in the classroom. In this manner he could be sent to see this individual for a brief period of positive connection so the teacher can remain in the classroom. Phone Calls. It will be a very beneficial practice to allow the child to make a mid-morning or mid-afternoon phone call to his mother for a period of time as he adjusts to the new environment. It is also recommended that parents call during the day to talk with their child during the transition period. This practice can be extremely settling to an anxious child and can allow for an increase in the resonation of soothing when the parent is absent. Physical Contact. During times that the child seems to be getting unnerved, it can be very beneficial for the primary teacher to give him a pat on the shoulder, a hug, or a rub on the back Any physical touch communicating warmth and affection can be unconsciously soothing for the child thereby creating a restoration of regulation and calm. Modified School Schedule. In some cases a child is unable to participate in some classes because of the over stimulation which occurs. Such classes are those that require specific skills or have a major focus on group activities with lessened adult support and presence. Examples may include art, music, physical education, and recess. Special care should be taken to observe the child for a period of time to determine his capacities to handle such activities both during and after the end of the period. A modified school schedule can assist the child in receiving the highest level of educational exposure within his range of emotional tolerance. A modified schedule will keep stressors at a minimum hence providing this student the opportunity to utilize his demonstrated cognitive skills. Reduced Peer-Interaction. Last of all, a reduction in peer interaction for this child may perhaps prove to be the most beneficial modification for his developmental improvement. Being relieved of an environment in which emotional bullying can be at its worst will allow this child to function in the least restrictive environment, without stress stemming from emotions of fear, shame, and anger. Again, this will be an area where monitoring is required for a period of time to determine how much the student can tolerate both during and following the time of the event. In this manner, the teacher can monitor the effects of the activity after the student has returned to the classroom. Techniques Not Effective for Such Children It is highly important to emphasize that some techniques often used with other children are not effective, and in fact are detrimental, for children of trauma. Such techniques are referred to as behavior modification, the most commonly used form of behavior control generally utilized within the classroom. Techniques such as point charts, star charts, carding, and “behavioral consequences” will, in a very short period of time, alienate the student from the teacher and lead to frustration, and a very disgruntled relationship. This child requires an understanding and awareness of his psycho-emotional state that will permit maximum flexibility in relating to him. Behavior modification only works to modify behavior. It does nothing to address the emotional or physiologic state of stress in a proactive and responsible manner. In an effort to not alienate the child from others in the classroom if such charts are used, the charts can be maintained, but it is critical that maximum flexibility be permitted for this child in the assignment of negative marks for his behavior. Negative behavior is a key sign of a stressed-out and frightened child rather than a disrespectful child. In this regard, the previous recommendations will be very therapeutic for assisting this student to have a positive school experience. In Summary Though it may appear to the untrained eye that such changes may further jeopardize the educational growth of this student, this assumption is not in keeping with his need for a developmentally appropriate learning environment. Modification to this child’s current educational exposure will assist greatly in his ability to develop the necessary skills that demonstrate his cognitive ability, something not possible when placed in emotionally stressful situations. As this child experiences some success in the least restrictive environment created for maintaining emotional regulation, he can function without the constant interference of stress overload. In short, as the time between highly stressful events becomes longer, his brain will be allotted an opportunity to develop. This aspect of development within the limbic system is responsible for ultimate stress regulation and the use of his cognitive ability. Determining such progress can be assessed through much the same means as with other children, over time and incrementally. Such measures would consist of constant reporting by those directly involved in the student’s activities, the completion of required educational tasks, and occasional comparison testing using unstructured tasks such as handwriting. It would not be infeasible to see this child respond positively and improve in his ability to interact and relate to others within six months if these recommendations are implemented with close monitoring. In other words, it generally takes six months of close monitoring and adjustments to make the necessary changes such children require. It is an ongoing process and one that may need to be modified or adapted when necessary. Bryan Post, an adopted and former foster child, is one of America’s Foremost Child Behavior and Adoption Experts and founder of www.PostInstitute.com The love-based, family-centered principles and concepts offered by Bryan have been taught to more than one million parents and professionals around the world. You can receive a free copy of his best-selling adoption parenting book From Fear to Love by going to https:///www.feartolovebook.com Currently Bryan serves as Clinical Director for Parents in Training, a 501 (c) 3 non-profit, providing wraparound services to adoptive families throughout Northern California. To learn more visit www.theleafcompany.com
Jedi Parenting: How to Harness the “Force” to Influence Your Child for Good Everyone remembers the famous words, now burned into the mass psyche, “May the force be with you!” The final utterances of the wise Jedi Master Yoda have sent his prodigy off to fight evil. Honestly, I’ve never been much of a Star Wars guy, but I do love the laser-sharp wisdom of Yoda and his teachings. You might be surprised at how much there is to learn from him when it comes to parenting. And it is those very Jedi secrets, my young SkyWalkers, that I would like to share with you. I call them “Defiance Secrets”. Let’s begin. Jedi Mind Tricks for Behavior Control Jedi mind control is actually based on a very unique process which occurs inside of our brains. When you learn how to harness the power of this breakthrough, there is literally no limit to how strong of a relationship you can create with your child. The stronger your relationship with your child, the easier your job as a parent will become. The more ease you can command in parenting, the more it will strengthen the relationship. Mirror Neurons Science tells us that inside of our brains we have a cluster of neurons which are called mirror neurons because that is exactly what they do. They reflect back everything that they see just like a mirror. When you look in the mirror and you smile, the reflection smiles back at you. When you look in the mirror and frown, the reflection also frowns back at you. Quick Practice: Today, when your child gets home, I just want you to walk by, catch your child’s attention and smile at them. What happens? You will notice in most instances, he will smile back. This is the easiest way and the first step in reaching out to your child from a place of positive vibration which will turn on their mirror neurons. It should be noted that in instances of severe trauma, children typically have miscues in their mirror neurons, but those mirrored neurons can be developed, stimulated and be triggered to mimic the reflections that we see when we look around us. Mirror neurons, keep that in mind as we move forward. Mastering Defiance Oftentimes it is important to master the things you most want to teach. First off, know that defiance lies within you. It is a very simple, yet complex understanding. When we see “defiance” it is a reflection of a change of state in our brain. Therefore, disrupting the core of defiance lies first within us as parents. Change what you see. See only defiance or disobedience and stand knowing that your brain is seeing a threat and sending a negative vibration. Instead see fear, difficulty transitioning, stress, a more impersonal behavioral pattern that has nothing to do with you personally, and you will find yourself approaching it from a different vibration. Let’s look at that for a moment as this is a key insight that most parents do not recognize. Think of it this way: When your child is defiant, the amygdala (your brain’s fear receptor) becomes activated and releases stress hormones. The intensity of the stress dictates how deep into your brain stem you actually drop and the further away from clear thinking and short-term memory you go. Joseph LeDoux, neuroscientist and author of The Emotional Brain states, “In times of stress our thinking becomes confused and distorted and our short-term memory is suppressed.” Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, states that having a calmer amygdala allows for the ability to soothe the more agitated and more escalated amygdala. Therefore, mastering the process of calming our own amygdala, turning on our own oxytocin (love hormone) in the midst of a possible negative situation, and getting into a more resourceful state is key. We have to get into a space where we are controlling the vibrations that we are emitting through our tone of voice, body language, emotions and memory. You can tell automatically when your child has had a bad day versus a good day, right? Then it should not surprise you that they are also extremely aware of your state or in other words, your vibration. So the Jedi mind secret and the first thing you have to do is learn to manipulate your own amygdala vibration. Changing Your Vibration Can Change Mirrored Neurons You can raise or lower your vibration. You can create a happy or angry vibration. You’re in control and actually manipulating behavior around you because of mirror neurons. This insight is powerful. Spend some time thinking about this for a while. Herein lies one of the powerful secrets to creating the relationship that you want with your child. Example: These two kids are playing video games. It’s time for Donald to go home and it’s time for Bobby to come to the dinner table. The kids already sense the situation because Mom is creating a vibration before ever saying a word. The vibration is getting transmitted to Bobby, who can sense the negativity that is coming from Mom who wants the boys to stop playing. Allen Shore says, “The core of the self is unconscious and nonverbal and lies in patterns of affect regulation.” In other words, it’s not what you say or do, it’s how you feel when you are doing it and saying it. Read that again please, it is life changing. How do you think this mom feels? How do you think the children feel? Without anyone saying a single word the vibration has already been lowered in a negative way. Remember, the more negative you feel the lower into your brainstem you drop therefore the lower the vibration. The lower you are into your brainstem the closer you are to all of your past experiences as the brainstem stores all past experiences, both negative and positive. The lower the vibration the less impact you have on the ability to influence a situation. The higher your vibration, the higher in your thinking you are which then naturally lends itself to more flexible and creative problem-solving. The higher the vibration, the greater the ability to influence a situation. Change Your Physiology How do you think this mom would feel if she put a silly hat on her head? Believe it or not – just the act of putting the hat on her head will take her out of her existing state and propel her into another. Just the act of doing something goofy, before you interact with your typically defiant child, will put you into a higher vibration. This is very important. You’ve heard the expression, “Rise above!” It is time to rise above defiance by raising your vibration not lowering it. It is very, very important that you make that connection. After the mom puts a hat on or does something silly, she will engage from a completely different – higher vibration. If mom does not change her vibration what do you think is going to be the outcome of this situation? You already know Bobby is not going to want to get off his game. Donald is probably going to sit there and support him for a little while. Mom is going to start getting frustrated again. Her stress levels are going to continue to increase and as this happens, guess what? She gets deeper and deeper into her brain stem. Therefore, she has a lower vibration. Mom cannot be a Jedi master. She cannot master defiance from that lower vibration. I’ve done this work over many years, and it’s these kinds of thoughts, which become more and more profound for me in our day-to-day interactions. The other day I had a conversation with a mom on our group coaching call and she said, and I want you to listen to these words, “My child doesn’t like to do time in.” (Those of you who have studied the material know I teach time-in instead of time-out.) “My child doesn’t like to do time in. When he does time in, he escalates. He gets really loud. He talks back to us and we go away,” she explained. Let’s look at the statement. Can you see the breakdown from the very beginning? The mom goes away when he escalates, so in reality, it’s not that the child doesn’t like time in, it’s that mom can’t handle the escalation of the energy in the son and inside of herself. They are essentially falling into a state of lowered vibration. Remember, the lower the vibration the closer to the brainstem therefore the closer to negative past experiences. How many of us want to feel that? Not many of us, so guess what we do? Correct, we try to avoid it. Awareness: How long has your child been in the game? Has he eaten? Have you eaten? What was your interaction like prior to him playing the game? Expectations: What are you expecting to happen in the situation? Are you expecting a negative outcome? How is that influencing you before you even make your request? You have to go into it with a level of mindfulness, paying attention to your breathing, and being aware of the circumstances surrounding the situation. How are you connecting to the scenario, to what’s been going on, so you will be prepared to use your new skills. You must go into it with all of the above. All of these are manifested by breathing, slowing down, seeing all these things happen in the dynamics of the interaction. I tend to spend a great deal of time being mindful, connecting to where I’m at, what I’m feeling and what’s going on. It allows me to override those core physiologic needs, like eating, so I can focus on becoming aware of the vibrations that are surrounding me as well as my own. It is all about calming the amygdala and using the power of mirrored neurons. But you must practice and not stop until you have become adept. Follow these Jedi mind tricks and you will become the master who teaches the child. In a coming article I will share Jedi mind tricks for overcoming defiance. In the meantime be a good Skywalker and continue to study and focus. May the Force Be with You. Remember, the definition of discipline is to teach. I helped her reframe the situation by allowing her to focus on her side of the situation. It was not that her son had a difficult time with time-in, but that she has a difficult time with the emotions that are created around the situation. So when she goes away, whether she’s going away physically or whether she’s going away emotionally, it’s all the same – it is a signal of not being available for the variances in her child’s behavior. You can be physically present for your child, but not emotionally present, and the difference is very important. This is ultimately where we want to be from the level of the second Jedi secret which says, our ability to calm and engage our own amygdala is what is going to begin to create the foundation for the desired outcome. So our ability to control our own vibration establishes the foundation. Before you enter into a defiant situation, I highly recommend practicing and mastering these Jedi mind techniques: Mindfulness: Learning to pay attention to your breathing and thinking. What state are you in…high or low? Awareness: How long has your child been on the game? Has he eaten? Have you eaten? What was your interaction like prior to him playing the game? Expectations: What are you expecting to happen going in the situation? Are you expecting a negative outcome? How is that influencing you before you even make your request? You have to go into it with a level of mindfulness, paying attention to your breathing, being aware of the circumstances surrounding the situation. How are you connecting to the scenario, to what’s been going on, so you will be prepared to use your new skills. You must go into it with all of the above. All of these are manifested by breathing, slowing down, seeing all these things happen in the dynamics of the interaction. I tend to spend a great deal of time being mindful, connecting to where I’m at, what I’m feeling and what’s going on. It allows me to override those core physiologic needs, like eating, so I can focus on becoming aware of the vibrations that are surrounding me as well as my own. It is all about calming the amygdala and using the power of mirrored neurons. But you must practice and not stop until you have become adept. Follow these Jedi mind tricks and you will become the master who teaches the child. In a coming article I will share for Jedi mind tricks for overcoming defiance. In the meantime be a good Skywalker and continue to study and focus. May the Force Be with You. Bryan Post, an adopted and former foster child, is one of America’s Foremost Child Behavior and Adoption Experts and founder of www.PostInstitute.com The love-based, family-centered principles and concepts offered by Bryan have been taught to more than one million parents and professionals around the world. You can receive a free copy of his best-selling adoption parenting book From Fear to Love by going to https:///www.feartolovebook.com Currently Bryan serves as Clinical Director for Parents in Training, a 501 (c) 3 non-profit, providing wraparound services to adoptive families throughout Northern California. To learn more visit www.theleafcompany.com
From Fear to Love: A New Understanding of Trauma and Behavior in Adopted Children The mom texted me in a state of distress. Three of her adopted children had been out on the trampoline playing. The twelve-year-old boy told the nine-year-old boy that he should pull down his sister’s pants, she being eleven. She said she didn’t want him to do that and didn’t want to play anymore. She went into the house and told her mom. This mom has been through the ringer this year. She has five grown biological children and six adopted children. Her husband passed away unexpectedly just this past January. She has been working through her grief, trying to be a mom to children with exceptional needs, and simply just trying to hold it together. In the midst of all of this she has also been trying to learn a new paradigm for parenting that I refer to as love-based parenting, and it is not easy. Mom texted, “I called them all up and told Sam how dumb that was to tell his brother to do that. I told him that he could get in a lot of trouble telling his autistic little brother to pull down people’s pants. He got mad, went outside and grabbed a shovel, and went behind my car. I took it from him and put it in the garage. I told him to leave the shovel alone and to stay away from my car. I then went inside and started dinner. He came inside the house and grabbed a knife and said that I wanted to cut his hands off because he had stolen from me (This was from an incident weeks prior.). I told him that was not true but I did want him to stop stealing. He then proceeded to scare his brother and sister. I brought them into the living room and sat with them to start a movie. He later told me that I chose them over him. I told him that I was comforting them because they were crying and were scared. That night he purposely left the garage door open and let a wild animal come into the garage and eat all of the cat food. I had to go get food the next day. Then I noticed the deep scratch he made in my car. He denies it was him but he blinks when he is lying. He can’t stop blinking. I am so frustrated.” Navigating thru Fear to Find Love Scenarios like these are common for me. Over twenty years of working with families in their homes focused on stress, trauma, and attachment I think I have seen every behavior and trauma imaginable. Currently, I am directing a wraparound program for adoptive families in Northern California. We have one overarching goal: To reduce the parent’s stress while helping them learn how to be therapeutically available to their children. Helping reduce their stress is the easy part, helping them learn how to be therapeutically available, now that’s the challenge. I call it learning how to parent from love rather than fear. Most of the time parents have no idea that their approach as well as what they are encouraged to do by well-meaning professionals is creating more stress and fear, diminishing the presence and opportunity for love. When this happens, I say, “Children grow older, but not better.” If you’ve been in counseling for over a year and you are still searching for help and support, then you are experiencing exactly what I am talking about. In 1999 I coined a theory of human behavior called The Stress Model. The Stress Model states that “All behavior arises from a state of stress and in between the behavior and the stress is the presence of a primary emotion. There are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. It is through the expression, processing, and understanding of the fear that we can calm the stress and diminish the behavior.” This model is dynamic in nature in that when the child is misbehaving, their behavior is coming from stress and generating fear, but the stress and the fear trigger the stress and fear of the parent which subsequently drives the parent’s behavior. When you fully understand the stress model it can be transformative to your life, home, and relationship with your child. In this article I am going to give you three different parenting perspectives to illustrate the above scenario: 1. Traditional “Fear” Based Perspective: This is the most common; Stress Model “Fear” Based Perspective: This is the second most common and steeped in good intention, and Stress Model “Love” Based Perspective: By far the most challenging and least common, yet most powerful and effective based on my twenty-years. Let’s get started. Traditional Fear-Based Perspective Upon hearing what Sam has told his brother to do, mom becomes angry. “How dare you say something so inappropriate to your sister. That is disgusting. Have you tried to do this before?” Before Sam can respond, she screams, “Your grounded. Go to your room.” Sam gets mad and goes outside. His mother, now feeling disrespected because he has ignored her, and not wanting the other children to think she doesn’t have control, goes outside after him. She yells again, “I told you to go into your room. Don’t you ignore me?” Upon seeing the shovel, she moves toward him and grabs it. He automatically pulls back on it and they begin a tug-of-war. She is now irate and threatens him with more punishment. He releases the shovel and pushes it at the same time, mom falls backward, her head barely missing a concrete garden piece. Sam runs into the house. Now crying and feeling assaulted, helpless, and just unsure what to do, mom calls the police. The police arrive at a quiet scene but now they need to teach Sam a lesson, so they cuff him and put him in the back of the car. The other children are all standing outside crying. Mom is crying and feeling guilty. Sam is scared and crying (Quick Note: Sam may be crying and scared now but typical of extreme fear-based behavioral interventions, once used they lose their novelty, thereby causing the parents to have to become increasingly creative to equal the initial shock value. These approaches usually have varying impacts until pre-adolescence and then they just simply lose all effectiveness.) The neighbors have come out into their yards to see what was going on. The cops finally release Sam and mom tells him to shower and go to bed. He still hasn’t had dinner. Stress Model “Fear-Based” Perspective Upon hearing what Sam has told his little brother to do, mom becomes agitated. She expels a deep breath of frustration and thinks to herself, “Ugghh here we go again. This kid. Jesus help me.” Mom calls them all up and tells Sam how dumb that was to tell his brother to do that. She informs him that he could get in a lot of trouble telling his autistic little brother to pull down people’s pants. Sam gets mad, and goes outside, grabs a shovel, and walks behind the car. Mom takes the shovel and puts it in the garage. Telling Sam to leave the shovel alone and to stay away from her car. Mom then goes inside and starts preparing dinner. Sam inside the house, grabs a knife and says that his mom wants him to cut his hands off because he has stolen from her (This was from an incident a week prior.). She tells him this is not true, but she does want him to stop stealing. Sam then proceeded to scare his brother and sister. Mom gathers up the brother and sister protectively and sits with them on the couch and starts a movie for them. Sam later tells mom that she chooses them over him. She tells him that she was comforting them because they were crying, and he was scaring them. That night mom believes Sam purposely leaves the garage door open and so wild animals can come into the garage and eat all of the cat food. Again frustrated, mom must go get more cat food the next morning. Then she notices the deep scratch Sam made in the car the day before. Sam denies it was him, but he blinks when he is lying. He can’t stop blinking. Mom feels so frustrated and helpless. Understanding Adoption and Trauma It’s important here that we have a working definition for trauma. Colin Ross, M.D explains that trauma is any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming or unpredictable. When such events continue unexpressed, unprocessed, and misunderstood this forms the difference between a short-term stressful event and a potentially life and brain-altering traumatic event. Adoption at any age is a traumatic event because it represents a biological disruption. The separation from the biological mother leaves an indelible imprint upon the child’s cellular experience, one from which he may never fully recover. And this is to say nothing of experiences such as physical, sexual and emotional abuse, abandonment, and alcohol and drug exposure that children may also have experienced. Adopted children can harbor layered trauma that few adoptive parents and professionals fully grasp. These events may have happened in the past, but they’re still there in the brainstem, our brain’s a hard drive, like files that never get fully deleted. These files —these traumas— are stored away, just waiting to be accidently opened by various triggers, revealing a past experience of fear and pain that colors the lens of the person, thereby changing everything they see and hear in the new moment. Taking the new and making it old. Neuroscientist Bruce Perry refers to this as “States becoming traits of one’s personality.” States become activated when we reach a high level of stress. Therefore when we stress, we regress to earlier developmental experiences. However, that’s only one side of the proverbial adoptive coin. The other side is that of the adoptive parents themselves, many of whom have gone through an enormous emotional journey on their way to adoption. Some adoptive parents never had biological childrenand have grief around that; others have children born to them and also chose to adopt; some bring to parenting the experience of miscarriage and infertility. And let us not forget that parents were once children, too, and we have our own files of subsequent experiences stored in the hard drive of our brains. Years and years of adulthood has sufficiently shielded the grown-up from accidentally opening her own files until alas, the adopted child enters the home. When We Stress, We Regress Sam has an extensive history of abuse and abandonment. He is emotionally immature and hard to connect to. He so wants to be loved but generally feels overwhelmed and therefore is overwhelmed. He was closer to his father who just died, now we have more overwhelm and abandonment. Sam simply doesn’t feel safe. His old trauma experiences keep telling him that disaster is impending. Disaster at this level of the brainstem is associated with fear and survival. When Sam becomes stressed, he becomes abused and neglected two-year-old and acts out accordingly. Mom, on the other hand, was a parentified child who, though having grown up in a solid two-parent home, started taking care of her siblings at the age of seven so the parents could save money. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and basically acted as the house mama. At age seven! Today when mom gets stressed, she regresses to a parentified seven-year-old who is going to get into trouble if something goes wrong. Can you see how the conflict between Sam and mom can quickly escalate out of control? This is a basic albeit critical understanding of the stress model. When parents become deeply aware of the role of how stress and trauma drive fear, then the focus becomes less on the behavior and more on soothing the stress and fear, but it starts with the parent. Let’s take a look at it in action. Stress Model “Love-Based” Perspective Upon hearing of Sam’s statement to his brother (behavior), mom feels her anxiety rising. Initially she doesn’t say anything. She begins to take some deep breaths as she feels her old imprinting of “fear of getting in trouble” showing up. The old familiar story of the parentified child. In this particular moment mom also knows that Sam is probably freaking out and ready to feel rejected and get in trouble. (Teaching Tip: There is no rush to do anything in this scenario. It has already happened. The inappropriate statement has already been made. The child at risk took the correct actions, and now there is a learning opportunity for the child and for mom.) The longer mom waits the more time she gives herself to be in full control of your thoughts and emotions. From this place she can take responsibility and find empathy. She knows that she’s been tired and has given Sam very little attention over the past couple of days and he’s feeling it. Furthermore, they were out on the trampoline far too long. Mom knows that when they play together they have a pretty narrow window before the stress peaks and inappropriate behaviors are bound to happen. “When you stress, you regress,” thinks to herself. After about three minutes mom calls both the boys into the house. She tells them to wash up and come into the kitchen and help her. She gives Sam a hug and says, “I love you. We are okay.” She feels Sam’s trembling body relax into her. They start helping. Mom, without looking at either of the boys says, “Hey guys you know it’s not okay to play any kind of games where someone is pulling someone else’s pants down, right?” Both boys reply with a “yes”. Mom asks if this has happened to either of you. And Sam pipes up that the boys at school have done it to him and then laughs. Mom stops what she is doing, gives Sam another hug and lets him know that she will go have a talk with the school principal the next day. She apologizes for not having gone to the school yet because she knows that he is often a target of bullying. Mom says to Sam, “If dad were still here he would have gone right up there and straightened them out, wouldn’t he?” She looks directly at Sam as tears well up in her eyes. Sam bursts into tears, squeezing his mom and can only shake his head “yes”. Overcoming Fear to Find Love Each of the three perspectives of the situation look and feel differently. What I would like for you to take away is the time mom spent on the front end of the behavior problem regulating her own fears and anxieties. Our fear wells up before we know it and take control. It then dictates to us behaviors that are driven from stress and fear. From this place, not only are we not thinking clearly, but we cannot create any opportunity for healing. You have often heard the expression, “Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to go forward in its midst,” going forward starts by first just slowing down and breathing. Choosing this path won’t be easy, especially not in the beginning, but over time you will find that it really is a natural form of parenting. One that increases trust, relationship, and most of all love. Bryan Post, an adopted and former foster child, is one of America’s Foremost Child Behavior and Adoption Experts and founder of www.PostInstitute.com The love-based, family-centered principles and concepts offered by Bryan have been taught to more than one million parents and professionals around the world. You can receive a free copy of his best-selling adoption parenting book From Fear to Love by going to https:///www.feartolovebook.com Currently Bryan serves as Clinical Director for Parents in Training, a 501 (c) 3 non-profit, providing wraparound services to adoptive families throughout Northern California. To learn more visit www.theleafcompany.com “Figure” seems like a disconnection. Consider saying “mother” or “mother and father” or “parents”. Bryan, this is SO SO SO good. Really good. Really important.
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