Built to Heal

0:00Good morning, fine people. Good morning. We have an amazing, amazing webinar for you this morning. Thanks so much for joining us. I'm Bryan Post. I'm the Executive Clinical Director of Parents in Training, as well as Revive Behavioral Health. And it is my great pleasure to introduce you all today to Dr. Alicia Williams, who is going to be leading this webinar on Built to Thrive. And I met Dr. Alicia several years ago. And the thing that we had in common is that we both take a trauma-responsive lens. But what's really unique with her is that one of the components I've always talked about was creating a therapeutic environment. I'd never met anyone who specialized in it. So when we got to talking, I mean, it was a perfect fit. And so I think this is going to be a fantastic learning opportunity for all of you at whatever stage

0:57you are with your family, whatever stage you are with the families you work with. I hope you enjoy this. I'm going to do a short introduction of Dr. Alicia. And then I'm going to turn it over to her. Dr. Alicia Williams is a youth development leader, professor, and trauma-responsive practitioner with more than 25 years of experience in education and social work. She serves as the coordinator of youth development prevention programs at Sacramento County Office of Education, where she leads county-wide efforts that support student well-being, prevention, and positive youth development. And she serves as the executive director of Revive Behavioral Health, which offers wraparound services for Central California's at-risk adoptive families. Dr. Williams is also a college professor who teaches courses in human services and social work, including programs that serve incarcerated students.

1:54Her work focuses on the connection between environment, neuroscience, and behavior, helping educators and organizations create conditions where young people can thrive. Fantastic. Dr. Alicia. Thank you. Welcome. You make me so much cooler. So I appreciate that. Hi, everyone. Glad you're here. I know you have choices of where you can be today, so I appreciate that you decided to attend this webinar. But as we get started, I see mostly names and pictures. But wherever you are, however you're joining today, I'd like for you to just for a second take in a deep breath. And wherever you are, and then you can let that breath out. And just make sure your feet are planted on the ground. And then I want you to take a look around the space

2:49that you're in and find something that's green. And just notice it. Take in another breath and let that one out. And notice something yellow in your space. Just notice it. And then we'll do one last breath. And then I want you to notice something blue and just notice it. So I don't want you to do anything, just notice. And this is where we want young people to get their bodies back to when they are dysregulated. So in this webinar, I will refer to our children, students, all as young people. And I use the words young people just because I refer to humans

3:44whose brains are still developing up until the age of 25 or 26. So that's who I'm referring to when I say young people. Okay, Jasmine, we can start sharing slides. This will be an interactive webinar. So if you're able to, if you can put in comments into the chat and or use any of the responses as well, or because we have a small group, you can also just come off of mute and comment.

4:14So I want you guys to notice this photo. And I imagine that your brains do what brains do and just are making assumptions, forming biases about this person. So what are some things that you are thinking about this individual just by seeing this photo? If you saw this person driving down the street, what would you think about this person? They live in their car, yes. Anything else that you would just assume about this person and there's no wrong answers. Moving to another state because it's a lot of stuff. But yeah, maybe they're overwhelmed. They're carrying their livelihood with them. They're dirty. I usually hear hoarder. Oh yeah, there's hoarder. Thanks.

5:11More stuff than they need, yes. Okay, so now if I asked you to change your mindset, which is what we're gonna do today is really focus on kind of seeing things a little differently, very disorganized and scattered, yes. But now if we shift our mindset and I said that you could only find the positive things about this person, what would you say about them then? Yeah, they own a vehicle. That's great. They're resourceful, they recycle. They know how to survive, yes. Doing the best they can with what they have. Good problem solvers, yes. They have goals, they must have gas. Okay, you guys are really good at this because sometimes it's really hard to get people to understand this. And there's a few different things that I see and I'm glad that some of these got picked up on which is they have a car, they must have gas.

6:08Right, so they obviously are driving and so that means they probably have insurance and a license because with this much attention, I imagine they've been pulled over a time or two. And that's a level of engineering I couldn't figure out on my best day to keep things on a car in that way and they haven't given up, nice job. So what if I told you that the behavior that frustrates you most is just your child's brain trying to stay safe? So today I'm asking that you just lean into just as we explore a little bit about regulation, about mindset, about the environment and strategies that you can use if you haven't already tried them and then we'll close and get into some questions.

6:53So as a researcher, one of the things that I do is research actually animals and more specifically chimps because they are our closest living relative, we still share 98% of our DNA with them. And there is something really astonishing for me when I learned how the teenage chimp is very similar to our own teenage children, young people. So by the age of 14, it's when they go through their most difficult season, similar to probably puberty for humans where it's really, bonding is not natural for some of them and they absolutely need to. So if they don't find a friend, for example, or they don't have someone close to them, they actually die from being alone.

7:48And that's why being alone is really harmful for them and that this teenage years, they're also excluding each other on purpose if they're not a part of their group. So their friend group is really the most important thing to them, just like humans. Okay, next slide. Oh, you have a 14 year old too. Okay, great. So if you guys don't mind doing the survey, Jasmine will also put it in the chat. People or young person is and what behavior you notice the most with your young person. 14 year old like the chimp, 16, okay. 13, knows it all, 15, okay. So we definitely got some chimp-aged young people that you guys are caring for. 15 and seven, 14, 11 year old, trying to fit in, nine year old, yes.

8:43Nine year old and then two year old, wow, okay. Okay, that kind of helps me. Yes, that's okay. So 22, 26, four and seven and age seven, okay. Five year old, independent, but hits and kicks and an eight year old, 18 to five, wow. So I too have young humans that lived in my body, rent free for nine months each, but they're not all quite young anymore. So they are 28, 25, 20 and 16. So I've run the gamut with the ages that you all are experiencing now.

9:28So we're gonna watch this video on our autonomic nervous system. It's nine minutes long and it's one of the most comprehensive videos that I've found to explain our autonomic nervous system. So I'd like for you, wherever you are, if you can and you're able to, to just really think about something that stands out to you in this video so that we can chat through it when we're done. The teens are angry, anxious, rude, dependent on screen, oh yeah, the screen things. Maybe we'll have time to talk about that. Over half of us have a chronic disorder such as high blood pressure or autoimmune disease, rates of anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction are skyrocketing. Why? The roots of these issues and more can often be traced to trauma, adverse childhood experiences, chronic stress and ultimately, nervous system dysregulation. Meet your autonomic nervous system.

10:24Let's call it ANS. ANS takes care of a lot of your automatic functions like your heartbeat, digestion and body temperature. ANS also manages your survival and stress response, working to keep you alive when your life is in danger. ANS functions as our built-in detection system, constantly scanning our environment for cues of safety and cues of danger. As ANS scans the environment, it has three general responses or states. Safe, you feel calm, relaxed and connected to those around you. Mobilized, when ANS detects danger, it sends a command in your heart rate and breathing increase. Adrenaline and cortisol are released and blood rushes to your muscles so you can handle the threat. This is our fight-flight response. Immobilized, when ANS detects that the danger is so great that you can't fight or run, it shuts you down.

11:20In this state, our heart rate, blood pressure and body temperature decrease and pain-numbing endorphins are released. ANS does all of this automatically without us thinking about it. ANS doesn't just use these states for survival. It uses them to navigate through the world each day. When ANS functions well, it moves fluidly from one state to another, one minute mobilized and ready for action and the next resting and recovering. ANS will often blend states together. When we play, ANS combines the mobilized and safe states and when we are intimate with loved ones, it combines immobilized and safe states. When ANS can stay flexible and fluid like this, it helps us manage and become resilient to stress and negative events. We're able to bounce back and move on. Unfortunately, when we experience trauma and chronic stress, it can keep ANS from functioning in a healthy, regulated and resilient way

12:17and can keep us stuck in states of survival. A friendly get-together can become frightening. A simple meeting at work can become threatening. For those with a history of trauma and chronic stress, the ANS detection system often becomes faulty, constantly signaling danger even when we are safe. It's like ANS is an alarm system, constantly signaling fire even when there's no smoke and no flames. Consistently living in these survival states can be debilitating and we often develop adaptive strategies like using drugs, alcohol, food, work or sex in an attempt to bring regulation and temporary relief. Understanding how trauma impacts us is critically important. There is a whole spectrum of experiences that can be traumatizing and adversely impact ANS like accidents, assaults and natural disasters which are often called shock traumas.

13:15There is also developmental or relational trauma when we experience chronic adversity, abuse, neglect and lack of safety while growing up. Many other experiences can be traumatizing including chronic stress, medical procedures and adverse community environments like poverty, discrimination and violence. Additionally, new research in epigenetics shows us that trauma can get passed down genetically at least three generations. In the past, we've thought about trauma as events that happen to us. We now know that trauma is an experience not an event. It's what happens inside of us as a result of what happens to us. It's our response to the event rather than the event itself. Over 20 years ago, Kaiser and the CDC launched a groundbreaking study of over 17,000 patients that showed a direct link

14:10between adverse childhood experiences or ACEs and long-term health and wellness. In the study, two thirds of participants reported at least one ACE. Over 20% reported three or more. When participants reported four or more ACEs, this corresponded to an increased chance for heart disease, cancer, drug abuse and more. With six or more ACEs, life expectancy decreases by almost 20 years. We are learning that many physical and emotional symptoms may emerge from a chronically dysregulated ANS. When ANS gets stuck in survival states, our biology shifts its focus from the tasks that keep us healthy, happy and thriving to surviving the immediate perceived threat. Many conditions and symptoms that are chronic and difficult to diagnose and treat can be attributed to a dysfunctional ANS. Our childhood experiences

15:05can also keep us from connecting with others. This is vitally important because as children, our number one survival priority is to attach to caregivers. When the people responsible for our safety aren't safe and we are living in chronic states of unsafety, ANS doesn't get wired right. The part of ANS that judges what is safe and what is not becomes faulty. If intimacy and connection were unsafe as a child, as adults will often unconsciously reject attempts from friends and partners to connect. Even though intimacy and connection is what we want, ANS feels it's unsafe and won't allow it. Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others, replacing the need for connection with the need for protection. When there has been trauma, ANS can no longer differentiate between our unsafe past and our now safe present.

16:01ANS can't turn off the need to protect even though we are now safe. So what can we do when ANS becomes dysregulated? How do we recover from trauma and develop a healthy, regulated, resilient nervous system? Fortunately, we can retrain ANS to feel safe again. This is best done with the help of others. Each one of us has an ANS and our ANS is constantly communicating with and attuning to the states of others. We autonomically mirror the states of those around us. This is called co-regulating. We see an in herd behavior. If one animal senses danger, the entire group becomes more alert, increasing their chances of survival. We're exactly the same. When we're with others who are stressed, angry or depressed, it makes us feel worse. When we're with others who are calm and happy,

16:56it makes us feel better. Connecting with others who are safe, attuned and present is the best way to restore a healthy ANS. For those struggling to recover from the impacts of trauma, there is an emerging field of innovative clinical therapies that have been developed to reestablish safety and regulation to ANS. We're also learning that many of the activities we intuitively know make us feel better, like spending time in nature, practicing yoga, dancing, helping others and more can help ANS become more regulated and resilient. Healing from trauma and finding release from being stuck living in survival states comes as ANS becomes regulated, increases its capacity for resilience and regains its flexibility. It's not about being calm all the time or mobilized all the time. It's about having a flexible and resilient nervous system that can accurately assess safety and danger

17:51and responds appropriately. We're truly resilient when we can fluidly move from one state to another. For those living with the impacts of trauma and chronic stress, becoming unstuck is like beginning a new life. For the rest of us, understanding how our nervous system states guide our behavior can help us become happier, healthier and more empathetic human beings. Collectively, we have an epidemic of social issues that are rooted in trauma. If we can do the work to heal past traumas and build healthy, regulated nervous systems as individuals, families and communities, we can end the cycles that continue to reinforce our greatest challenges and create a safer, vibrant and more connected world.

18:55Next slide, Jasmine. I'm curious to know, and again, we're a pretty small group. So if someone wants to come off of mute and share vocally, that's fine too. Or if you wanna add something to the chat, something that stood out to you about that video. I'll go. Yes, please. Thanks. I feel like, you know, [A parent shares their own family history.] And I just feel like my whole life has been trying to f*****g heal from trauma. And in a way, I just feel sad because it's really, there is no, my experience has been, you know,

19:51it's a journey, it's not a destination. It's something you learn to live with. And, you know, it could become a full-time job even. And for me, it's just a lot. So I'll live with that. Thank you. And I see you have your hand up. Yeah, just gonna share. I thought it was really interesting the three generations of trauma, that's like pretty impactful too. Because some of our behaviors we see with our kids, I'm just blown away. And I'm really just like, what to do? And it's just so shocking. And then also a little, just discouraged too, because it's like, just like the previous lady said, we all have like our own trauma we're trying to deal with and I am far from perfect and I've lost it. So many times when my kids are dysregulated,

20:47I get dysregulated and it's just hard to be there for other people when we're all working through our stuff too, but trying to keep doing it the best we can. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. And I think what's really important about that, right, is just kind of knowing that a dysregulated adult will never be able to regulate a dysregulated child. So somebody has to be regulated in order for it to kind of work that co-regulation to work. Thanks for sharing that. And then I wanna read what a parent put in the chat that she resonated with the way that we co-regulate [Personal and family details removed.] I continually struggle with co-regulating with her because her anxiety makes you feel anxious. Yeah, that video is a really comprehensive video like I mentioned. So if you can find it and use it, I've also used it with helping teenagers

21:44kind of see what's happening with themselves and also so that they understand that they can retrain their ANS and that also goes for you all as well, is that there is a way to retrain ourselves to that healthy state that our bodies are trying to get to. It's kind of, I like to think of it as a car, when a car is just idling, right? It's not pushing on the gas, it's not pushing on the brake, it's just sitting there. And that's what our bodies are trying to do. And it's similar in this picture, which I pulled from the video, which is when you're working with a lot of young people who have had contact with the foster system or adoption, right? You don't know what their past was. And if it wasn't wired correctly because those safe adults weren't there to provide that, like it shows in the picture, when they're trying to connect to someone,

22:39it doesn't actually look like that even though that's what they're wanting. How do we get schools to understand this in our kids? That's what I do, that's my job. I try to teach schools this. And we'll talk a little bit more about schools. I'm sorry, was someone gonna say something? Okay, sorry that I heard something.

22:58Another way to look at behavior is through the window of tolerance. If you're familiar with this framework, which is if you look at the meant area is where you're supposed to be in fluidly and where you're regulated, where you can learn and you can socialize and you can make friends, but a young person who's experienced trauma, their window becomes much smaller. So what happens with their windows smaller? That means they either leave above that window more often or they go below it. And so you can see where it goes it from being regulated to escalation to having a trauma response or where it's the opposite and they become hyper aroused. So where they may have a severe depression, things like that. Let's see. And so this is a sign I like to often use with people

23:55and I want you to think about for yourself have you ever been dysregulated yourself and someone asked you to calm down? And it makes sense, right? You can't be told to calm down. It's something that you actually have to feel in your body. Oh, my staff actually go out to [a participant's school district]. So maybe we should chat after. And I also want to, in [a participant's county] too. Geez, maybe, maybe we could chat after about some of the other schools.

24:31What I was going to say is in the video it mentions epigenetics. And one of you mentioned in the chat about how it passes down three generations. And I wanna really explain what it is. And just because it doesn't touch on it very much in the video except calling it epigenetics. And there was a cherry blossom study where they studied rats and they took all of these male mice and they put them in a cage and they turned on the electricity at the bottom of the cage that would shock their feet. And at the same time they were shocking their feet they would pump in the smell of cherry blossom. Then they took these male mice and mated them with the female mice. But before the female mice ever had the baby mice the fathers were removed. So the baby mice had no contact with their fathers ever. So when the baby mice came of age and they did the same experiment, no electricity but they just pumped in the smell of the cherry blossoms

25:28they had the exact same behaviors as the dads as though their feet were being electrocuted. So climbing all over each other scratching each other trying to get out of the cage. That's like blood-borne behavior. So that's what lasts in our bodies for three years. And another good way to think of it is we've all lived in our grandmother's bodies at some point. So when grandmother was pregnant with your mother and then you were inside of your mother when those eggs so we have those experiences for three generations. Makes sense. Smell for me triggers memories. Yes, this presentation doesn't talk a lot about it but a lot of my research was around like our senses and the really great thing about smelling something and a smell triggering something for you is because it's the only sense that we have that doesn't require a two-step process with our brain. So for example, if I, the sense of touch if I had touched something with my left hand

26:23and it was hot my right side my brain has to tell my left hand that that had to happen when we smell something and it's why it always triggers a memory for us because our olfactory system is closely linked to just memory. So it's a one-step process through the nasal olfactory touches our brain and reminds us of something.

26:47So thinking about the environment though. So thinking before you correct behaviors look at the environment. Is it too loud? Is it too overstimulating? Are there too many rules to be in the space where it creates more behaviors than necessary? And making small environmental shifts can help. So using softer lighting and again, part of my research was on the lighting that we have in our spaces. Using fluorescent lighting is really harmful to us but it's the one thing for example you see in all classrooms or hospitals but some hospitals are getting away from that now. But creating quiet corners and sensory items or having sensory items available to young people and then creating predictable routines. So when your brain knows what's coming next it creates that safety that we're looking for. Exactly what's happening with your 11 year old and general ed in fifth grade. Oh, I'd like to know more like what's happening.

27:47Maybe at the end you can put in the chat or come off mute later and say. So I want you to just the next few pictures are gonna be some of my work that I have some spaces that I created. And this was a room that I was using as a social worker and I was told that when I was doing some groups with the young ladies at the school this was a room where I would meet with them but as a past social worker and they use this room as a room where any clinicians or social workers or counselors would meet with young people for their visits and your room can make you either feel safe or unsafe. So just by looking at this room would you be open to talking to someone of a professional background if you've had any kind of contact with the system? Yeah, no, not for me either. So I changed just some of the things

28:43that would make a young person maybe want to come into the space just to be more inviting to change that seating. Does this room feel different for you seeing it changed? Yeah, much better. Thanks. It does feel safer. Yes, thank you. Thanks for the love. Okay, we'll do another one. Again, and I'll give you a little story about this room. This room was called the holding cell and I bring this up because our words matter when we're talking about young people. So this room was at a high school and there were three doors on the other side of this room that you can't see and that's where the principals were positioned to when the young people, if they got in trouble

29:38they would come in, they would sit in these chairs, face the wall and they had voter box type dividers between them and they had to wait for their punishment before they were likely suspended. And so a couple of things happened. When I fixed the room, which you'll see in the next picture, so by just changing the room. So changing one, and I would often tell people this like I can't change that a young person might have created or caused harm at school that day or did something that got them sent to that room but I could change how I treated them. So instead of just being rude or mean to them when they came in, I would say I'm sorry that happened to you, do you want water or tea? Because that also automatically would reset their nervous system by having something hot or cold in their body. When they were able to sit and circle this way if they did cause harm, it gave them a chance

30:35to repair the harm if they wanted to. But then there was also this chaise that you see at the front of the picture, which was off to the side so that if they didn't want to engage they also had a different space. There were weighted lap pads that you can see on the couch. They were like weighted stuffed animals in there. And then I'm sure you guys can see the fish because that was the other part of my research. Yeah, kids do need to learn how to repair the harm but it's the adults who have to teach them how to do that. And that's where I find the mishap. So again, here's another room. They were giving me this office to use at this particular school. I was just happy to have a window but this was the person who had the office before me. So I'm sure you guys could imagine I did not feel safe in this space. So and this was the space that I was supposed to use

31:30for parents when they were coming back for re-entries in the school. So again, just imagine if you were walking into these spaces it literally changes how you feel and how you would interact in that space. And then this was the conference room at the same school where they would have the IEPs. And I often tried to put myself in the place of a parent who if you were coming to deliver hard news to me about my young person like this room would make me want to run away. Like nothing about this room makes me feel invited that I'm wanted there, that I'm welcome there. Yeah, a lot of people have meetings and rooms like this. So I couldn't change the shape of that really narrow long room, but by adding and changing some of the things in it could change how people felt in it. So I just wanna be clear, like this isn't about buying something and we'll talk about self-care later.

32:26And this was a whole process with like getting the funding to be able to do something like this but it's small little tweaks that you can add to a space that change it. So by using a lamp instead of fluorescent lighting adding plants to the space, any type of water element like you can, it doesn't have to be a whole fish tank but it could be a small little waterfall that's making the sound of water that has the same calming effects on our bodies. Okay, next slide. And this was just the other angle before I got those other chairs in there when I just added plants and tried to soften that hard table with the tablecloth. And the TV was there so I put nature scenes on the TV.

33:12And I wanna just go back to that wellness room this was at the high school. And two gentlemen who worked at the school who came back off of summer break when they saw the new created room said to me, you know who goes to school here, right? And you know that your stuff's gonna end up missing, right? And I thought that was again our words matter and how we look and think about young people matter. And none of the things in that room came up missing. There was nothing broken or taken but what I did find is that young people were using the space and young people's bodies were telling me different stories than what their teachers or their parent or adult was telling me. So the young lady at the top [The presenter shares a student's private family circumstances.]

34:07So she would come in every morning at 7, 7.30 just so that she could have some time alone. And then the young lady at the bottom [The presenter shares a student's private health and family situation.] And she had brought her book in which is also in the picture because she actually wanted to still study but she was just so sick and tired, right? Like you don't get to control sometimes your body is just shutting down and it's just tired. And then the gentleman in the red shoes came in mostly every day around 12, 30 just to crash because he would wake up at 4.30 each morning to clean houses with his mom. And so when the principal would come in and want to offer some disciplinary action, I would say, no, their bodies are telling us a different story. There's something else going on with each of these young people

35:02if they're sleeping, right? [A participant comments in the chat.] Yeah, I agree. Can we clone me for every school? That would be nice. That would be my favorite job to have is if I could create these spaces everywhere.

35:19So the next strategy I just want to talk about is the co-regulation before correction using the three Rs. And this is simply because this is how our brains have been made to work is that the old lizard part of our brain, the first part that was able to develop is where we have to start, which is at the bottom. So you have to regulate yourself in order to help someone else regulate. So if your child is dysregulated, you have to first be regulated before you could even start a conversation. And then secondly, you start to relate and connect through your child with an attuned and sensitive relationship. So whatever that might look like for you and it looks different for all of us. And then the last step, and it's the only way to get to reasoning is once they are completely regulated, then you can support your young person to think and reflect and learn. And I know that this actually works

36:15because I'm married to a man who jumps straight to wanting to reason with our children when they were younger and he'd want to lecture. And I would tell him, their brains are offline. They're not listening to anything that you're saying right now. So that whole process had to happen. Do I ever get to recreate classroom spaces? I did actually, an entire school's classrooms. So we can talk about that at the end too.

36:39Another strategy is reducing shame. For some reason, we as big grownups in this world like to shame young people for mistakes they made when we've all made the same type of mistakes at some point. So if you can shift your language from, why did you do that or what's wrong with you to, I wonder what's going on with you? Similar to how I talked about those young people who needed to rest on that chaise in the wellness room. So creating safety cues, predictable routines, clear transitions, having a warm tone and a gentle touch when appropriate. All of these are the signals that tell our nervous system that you can be safe here. I know for myself as a young person, I was highly bothered by people wearing shoes in the house because I always thought someone was leaving.

37:34And it was because of just all of the other things happening in my life where people were coming and going, coming and going, that seeing shoes inside of a home made it trigger that someone was gonna be leaving. And that was very scary for me. And kind of back to that picture we started with at the beginning as reframing our mindsets from focusing on the positives instead of the negatives, right? So instead of focusing on, oh, I think that's defiance or you're being disrespectful or this, think about is this young person's way of trying to protect themselves? Are they dysregulated? Do they have some other unmet need or are they overwhelmed with the sensory environment or things around them? That's true. I didn't mean that adults like to shame. I noticed that adults will shame because they are the adults in the space versus the kids.

38:30So thank you for correcting me on that.

38:32So I wanna talk about real self-care here. So your care for others and around you is amplified by your care for self. But somehow we've gotten to this, multi-billion dollar industry that self-care is something that we can buy that it's bubble baths and champagne and things like that. When in fact, it could just be rest that you need to take a rest and care for yourself and not think about, oh, I was overwhelmed so I'm gonna binge watch an entire series over the weekend. I love that way. Sorry to say because the window was open for fresh air when I closed the windows and reassured it, the whole house was locked. She was able to relax more and go to sleep more. Yeah, so something as simple as the window being open to cool the room triggered your young person, right? Into feeling afraid of something. So good fix.

39:28I wanted to say something else about self-care that I'm not remembering. Oh, I wanted to be able to help identify like what real self-care is versus fake self-care. Oh, you're bad at self-care too. It's hard. So if you think about fake self-care, it's a noun describing an activity or a product. And real self-care is a verb describing an invisible internal decision that you're making to care for yourself. And that's the difference. So if your body's feeling like you need rest or that you're overwhelmed, right? You could say, oh, I'm gonna go home and binge watch something else. But you could also say, I just need a rest. I just need 10 minutes right now and just take that 10 minutes to do whatever you need to do. One of the other things I wanna touch on is about play

40:23and especially going back to the chimps in the earlier part of this webinar is that the chimps also needed to still move their bodies. And it looks a little different from play for a young person, very young person to a teenage person but it really is essential for their developing brains and bodies. And it's a statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics that we cannot withhold play from children, young people. And so what happens a lot of times with parents that I'm working with are noticing that their kids are coming home dysregulated but it's oftentimes because of the school system where they're being asked to sit down, be still, be quiet, don't move or getting their recess taken away and then they come home and all of that is coming out for us at home.

41:18As a child, I wanted something for myself. My mom told me it was selfish so my child said caring for myself is selfish. Okay, if you wanna at the end bring it back up, we can chat through it. As a child, I took that as selfish to care for, oh, I see. So your mom told you that it was selfish to care for yourself, got it. Yeah, it's not selfish, we have to be well. I had a kid who had noodle arms once he got home from school. It was our way of knowing he needed some movement. Oh, that's a good reading of him. So this stress buster and looking at it, I hope it just serves as a reminder that we are all human and that we're all looking for balance, right? We are humans, we are smartest creatures on earth but we still haven't figured out how to think past not being able to sleep, right?

42:14Like if we could and we figured out that there was some magical pill that we could take and sleep just two hours a night, we'd have done that, but that's not what our bodies need. So looking at like the relationships, the sleep, the access and usage of mental health care, experiencing nature, mindfulness practices and physical activity and balanced nutrition are the things that all of us need. It's a universal need from all of us. From a cultural perspective, being a South Asian I have minimal to zero modeling appearance taking accountability and debriefing with children as a way to repair ruptures and relationships. I found it so helpful when I relate and validate feelings versus focusing on content when it comes to disagreements. I 100% agree with that. And there is a lot of cultural things, right? Like in the African-American community specifically, like you don't tell your business, you don't let people into your house,

43:11you don't question adults. So there's a lot of factors that play into each of our cultures as well. Yeah, I think it happens with the Mexican-American culture too. And I think a lot of our cultures didn't show us how to give ourselves time, you know what I mean? Like to give ourselves care. I mean, I know I can speak for my own self that we'll never talk when I was young. So it was hard for me to understand it until now. And then now to teach it to my kids most of them are grown. You know, they're still 26 and under, but the youngest is 15, the other ones are over 18. But I think going back to that and trying to let them know, hey, you have to give yourself that self-care because it's so important. And I didn't realize that.

44:06I'm older, I'm 56 years old and just realizing that from school because I went back to school. So I think that is like the most important. It's almost like, I guess when I grew up, it was like, you got to help yourself before you could help somebody else. So it's kind of almost the same thing, but you still got to do it regardless whether you're a helper or not, you still got to help yourself in the self-care perspective. Yeah. Sorry, I had to say that. That's okay, thank you for sharing, I appreciate that.

44:40So again, I just want to focus on behavior not being the problem but rather the signal that we're responding with safety and connection and regulation. And even though even in tough times looking for moments of joy and laughter, progress and or gratitude kind of shifts what we're feeling if we're feeling down or stress or dysregulated and celebrating these things shifts your mindset from noticing all the negative things to the positive things and it builds resilience and it reminds us that good things can and do still exist. It just will, we have to retrain our ANS sometimes though. Okay, next slide, Jasmine. I think that's- Can I just say something about this slide? One of the things I always told my son is that look past the behavior and see the heart

45:35because the behavior is just them trying to tell you something is up. And if you know the child and you build a relationship with the child and you see the behavior, you know that's not the child that that's the response that their heart really wants something else. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. Good point. And [a participant] said you still put your own self-care last. I like to remind folks, it's kind of like when we're in the airplane and they say you have to put on your own mask oxygen mask first before you can do it for others. I know we hear it, it's just really hard to do it. And so as an adult myself now, I just carve out my time when I can't, it's not a lot, but when I can and certain little things like just driving somewhere by myself not talking to anyone with no distractions is like just a minute to myself is like self-care to me.

46:31Or, you know, taking my shoes off and putting my feet in the grass so that I can ground to the earth, you know and feel like nature. I take my dogs on walks and I really try to just stop and appreciate like the sunset or the color of the clouds or the, you know, the sunset on the clouds. So, and there's a question for you does your husband hear you and do something different as a result? That was in the chat. I don't know if you saw. Anyways, all right, again, we are yes, extra time in the shower, relaxing in the shower brings you peace. Yes. And if you, if any of you are really struggling with some behaviors or in crisis that we do have resources to connect you to and can reach out after as well.

47:28But you can stop sharing all the slides, Jasmine.

47:32And then I would like to open up the floor if there's any other comments, questions. I see your hand is up. Yeah, thanks. I was, I liked your tool like at the very beginning too of like noticing your surroundings and putting your feet on the floor. Our daughter, we're having lots of big explosions and I was just curious if you have any other tools sometimes when she's in that heightened state. I totally agree with you. I think I forgot what the Rs were but like kind of relating or being there first before talking. Sometimes she pushes it away because she's so angry. And I'll be like, okay, let me breathe with you. We've done the like Love and Logic flip your lid and she, it just pisses her off. And like, do you have other tools? Like she's just now starting to be like,

48:29well, finally breathe with me. I'm trying to reward her too. Like anytime she'll just try to breathe. I'm gonna give her something but any other tools would be great. Yeah. And how old did you say she was? Seven. Yeah, seven. So seven, I would probably be using a lot of stories with her. So I wouldn't try to engage her in a story. I would probably start telling a story over on the side or let her before this happens with her. Let her see you get frustrated even if you're faking it and do the tools so that she can see them or you could say like, I'm really frustrated because this happened and then you do the breathing or you go take the walk and do the things with her so you're actually modeling it so that she can see you doing it. With the story too, would you say like kind of like about someone and like using the tools on what hoping eventually she'll get? Yeah. Or just even a random story.

49:24A random story. You could even use an animal in a story and just be like, you know what? I remember this one time, there was a dog. It was, and he had blue fur, you know going to this whole story about what happened relating it similar to what might have happened to her and then say what helped that person or animal in that story. Yeah. I'll try that. She loves stories. So yeah. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome.

49:52I'm having a situation with my 11 year old right now where it's kind of come out of the blue because I feel like in the past I've been in very good contact with his [teacher]. This year, oh my goodness. Everybody and their mother wants to call me when I'm on something. Um, this year. Ignoring that is self-care. I didn't want to interrupt the meeting. I just, I'm not feeling connected with his current teachers this year. So like, I don't know anything that's going on at the school and he's falling behind in his general ed science and history. And I'm trying to figure out what is causing him to struggle so much when it's like it just came out of the blue. He's struggling so much. And every suggestion or question I ask of the school to try to figure it out, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. Like they're just throwing it on me

50:49and saying, here's the work he needs to study. Fix it. And I'm like, with no direction. How old is your young person? [The parent shares their child's age.] And he's in fifth grade [School history removed.] So it's not like we can keep doing that to keep him feeling like he's still with his peer group. He's feeling now that he's stupid because he was realizing that he can't read at the fifth grade level. I see. And I think that might be some of why he's having behaviors in his general ed class because he realizes he wants to fit in and he's not. Yeah. And right, there's a lot of shame around not being able to keep up with your peers, right? So then that shame turns into a now a behavior. And then the teacher's getting frustrated and now they're giving it to you, right? It's just a cycle. So what supports then could he, the school be offering him so that he can get to grade level because essentially that's what they should be doing.

51:47Not sending home packets with caregiver mom. Yeah. And I've had conversations with them about that. Like one time they're testing him verbally, the next time they're trying to get him to read the test on a computer at fifth grade level. And I'm like, you're not following [his plan]. He can't read at fifth grade level. Thank you for being here. Yeah, I understand. That's definitely a school system issue that you'll have to deal with. And I would probably even ask if I could come in and watch him during his school day just so that you can see exactly what's happening. Thank you. You're welcome.

52:25If you guys, again, if you're needing any supports you can drop your name and county in the chat and we will reach out to you all. We have a few minutes left. Is there anything else? Any questions, comments, thoughts? I did want to also add that, let me see. Thanks. Yeah, for some of the resources, I know we do have free resources. We have community resources as well. So again, you can drop your name, your email. Feel free to reach out to support at feartolove.com and I'll get in contact with you individually and see exactly what your needs are and what we might have to support you. Again, we have different resources depending on what exactly your needs are.

53:24Thank you guys for being here. Thank you very much. I enjoyed the time. I think it's very useful. I think it's useful for parents. I work in behavior health in the children's. I think it's really useful for the parents, staff too. But I think for the parents because I could hear other parents going through it. And as I used to have my kids in school with IEPs and it's a difficult road to go through without support and tools. So thank you very much. Hi, I'm going to try to look up your information and try to spread your word around. You're so kind. Yes, of course. Thank you. All right, thank you again. Of course. Have a good one. Bye. Bye.