You vs. Their Screen

0:00I'm Bryan Post and this is You vs. Their Screen. Why screens create power struggles and how to reclaim connection regulation and leadership. This isn't about removing screens, it's about reclaiming your role. And I hope that this webinar and that this time together is very insightful for you and helps you see some things and understand some things that you haven't before and I also want you to consider dependent on because we have, you know, let me know where you're from put it, put in your, put in your city or if you're in your, if you're in from a different state or if you've even slipped in here from out of the country let me know where you all are coming from just put it in the chat if you would that way we can just get an idea and if you're a parent or a professional adoptive parent foster parent grandparent

0:55the other day I decided I'm gonna write a book on how to be an amazing grandparent the ultimate guide to grandparenting because I'm a grandparent now and I feel like this is so weird because I started off, you know 20, 25 years old teaching all this stuff about working with kids and then I realized that so many of the families that I started out working with their kids are now old and having kids some of my clients, some of my clients as kids back when they were 12 or 30 something years old now it's just a mind boggling thing and so I'm gonna write a book for grandparent so put in the chat like what role, what brings you here what are you hoping to get? What are you hoping to learn? How on a scale of one to 10

1:51how challenging is this issue for you right now your child's screen, let me know and we're gonna go ahead and get this thing kicked off we're gonna go probably a solid hour I usually start talking way too much but I've got some fantastic slides for you we're gonna go about an hour then I'm gonna do Q&A so I'm trying to get all your questions met and then as I'm lecturing if you have a question Jasmine knows that if it's really spot on for what I'm talking about in that moment she'll just interrupt me if not put it in the chat I have Jasmine in the chat I have Edgar in the chat they'll be there to answer questions and support you because at the end of the day our single overarching goal is we wanna help you to feel supported we wanna help you feel encouraged and we wanna help you get on the right track to have the breakthroughs and the relationships

2:46in your home that you desire with your child and with that being said let's get this thing jumped off for those of you who don't know my name is Bryan Post and you know I've been doing this for so long I've been doing this work for 30 years I've been doing this work for so long that I forget that people don't know who I am because I've been doing it for so long it's like I'm having a second a second resurrection of Bryan Post because and I haven't stopped I've been just doing it consistently but the parents that I started out working with when I first started doing this work at 25 actually 22 is when I became a social worker at 25 when I really started working with families and children, like I said all their children are grown in fact I had a mom reach out to me the other day I had worked with her son back when I was 27 years old

3:42I had my first clinic in Ardmore, Oklahoma the child and family guidance center of Ardmore, Oklahoma and I had a little client and he was nine years old now he's now like a sergeant in the army and she sent me a picture of him and she said, you know, I just wanted to let you know how much of a positive impact you had on him in his life and those are fantastic stories and I love to hear them but if you're new to Bryan Post I've been doing this a long time I am a father of seven I'm an adoptive father I'm a grandfather and more than anything I'm also I was a foster child and also was adopted so my life passion my life work has been around understanding the deep nuances of adopted families and child behavior and really just trying to bring a new understanding

4:37and new insights for families and for professionals so that we can continue to advance our world forward in this really stressed out world someone's writing on my screen I've never figured out how someone can write on my screen it's just so interesting to me and it can be just the most random person just has access to write on my screen and I'm the presenter so it's fascinating to me but anyway so Fear to Love is probably my most best selling book we are approaching over one million copies sold down and that book has been translated it's been shared it's been taught from around the world and I'm pretty prolific I have written I think at last count we were at 22 books total so we're in the process of revising some of those books

5:35redesigning them getting them on Amazon getting them on my bryanpost.com and feartolove.com pages and making them more widely available so this is just a few of them but I've been doing this for a long time and like I said I was one of these children that you are that we are talking about today one of these children that you are challenged with and I'm also an adoptive parent and I just have a very innate capacity for understanding this work because I believe it came from conception and I grew up in a very small town in Mountain View, Oklahoma and it was my saving grace I had, there was me there was my sister who was also adopted but we were not biological and then there were my parents and this is something that most of the time we fail to think about in mental health number one I was asked this in Atlanta I was in Atlanta this past weekend

6:30at an adult adoption conference and it was not just adult adoptees but it was also adults who had children from in vitro fertilization it was just the most interesting group of people and I was asked by someone if I thought that the medical industry and the mental health industry would ever get on the same page with the power of conception Nadine Burke Harris wrote a book called The Deepest Well it's a fantastic book and she says that the first year of life established oh no she said that in the first year of life from conception to one the human brain is developing one million neural connections per second life starts in utero and it continues but what you need to understand

7:25is that those first conception to five years are some of the most critical that exists and some of the biggest challenges that you're facing right now actually come from those conception to five years of periods of time so a lot of times I like to say when a child is acting out it's because they're stressed out when they're stressed out they're reverted back to that conception to five framework of time so a lot of your biggest challenges are right there in that space and so we have great opportunities for breakthroughs when we can understand that but I bring that to your attention because my sister and I both being adopted we had completely different in utero experiences I'm in reunion with my biological parents so we had completely different in utero experiences and my biological mother though she was not able to keep me said she enjoyed being pregnant

8:20she ate the right food she didn't drink, she didn't smoke all these things that I actually intuitively know knew as an adult mental health professional I knew these things I knew I had a good in utero experience so then that was one of the first things she ever said to me is I love being pregnant my sister on the other hand was born to a single mom alcohol, potentially drug exposure she spent the first she was three months premature she weighed three and a half pounds when she was born and she spent the first three months of her life in an incubator and it completely changed our trajectory for our lives I grew up with a better ability to regulate stress still stressed out, still sensitive, still fearful but more effective in my ability to regulate stress more effective in my ability to recover from stress

9:17because our parents though they loved us dearly they were very old school they did the best that they could they didn't know any difference than other than hitting and yelling and screaming and violence and so when you have two stressed out children all the time you have parents who get stressed out and they had their own trauma histories so their own trauma histories would get stirred up and then their blueprints would get activated and that's how they would behave towards us so with my sister and I we both struggled but I could recover better than she could she could not recover and therefore it made her life exceedingly difficult exceedingly difficult and my sister was in and out of jail in prison so drugs did drugs and her last in a prison was her best in a prison she got out she started getting her life back on track and then she was went to her one of her kids was staying with a friend of theirs she went to his birthday party

10:12she was also a foster parent so they were technically in two of them were in foster care my mother raised the oldest and she was on the way back from a birthday party it was the ice storms and a semi slid across the road and hit her head on and killed her she was 36 years old her 16th anniversary of my sister's death was just last week and one of the things that I always remember is the night before her funeral my mom said you know what your sister always needed but she never got and I said what's that mom she said understanding she said we never understood her and that has been like one of the what is it, it's the platform I stand on is I just wanna help people understand differently and what I want you to understand as a parent whether you're an adopted parent whether you're a foster parent or biological parent or a grandparent what I want you to understand is that every moment counts

11:10every day counts from this day forward after this webinar from this day forward every moment counts now whether you handle that in a stressed out way or you handled it in a regulated way whether you handle it in a fearful way or you handle it in a loving way every moment counts because the brain is always changing it's always changing and the older our children get the more challenging it is to change the brain and everything I'm gonna talk about today is about changing the brain this is not easy stuff I will make it sound so simple I pride myself on making this stuff simple but that does not mean it is easy it is difficult and not only that but there are two things required in changing the brain emotional impact and repetition emotional impact and repetition so when you're trying to do this on your own it can be almost impossible

12:06because you don't have enough repetition of the paradigm that I'm gonna be sharing with you today and number two you view emotional impact in our society our communities, our families, our culture have viewed behavioral episodes as the problem so what they do is they work to control and suppress and change it change them instead of trying to understand them get to the root of the understanding and then use those emotional opportunities as opportunities for growth so time is of the essence you do not have time to be playing around and I don't know why we wanna mess around with stuff like this it seems like we take our time and we take our children and we take our parenting role we oftentimes take it for granted and we just do what we were taught to do and we don't question and I commend all of you for being here

13:02because you are obviously taking the time and investing the time to do something different okay

13:10so here's the thing the real problem the real problem this isn't a screen issue paradigm shift you immediately, you've seen this advertised you're like oh I gotta learn about this because every time this kid is on screens then that's a problem it's not a screen issue I'm gonna tell you that I want you to breathe into that right now this is not a screen issue so here's what you gotta look at there's these three circles you have regulation, attachment and leadership screens are just winning the role that's the difference in the regulation in the attachment dynamic and attachment be really clear about that attachment is the behavior of the child toward the parent bonding is the behavior

14:05of the parent towards the child attachment is the dyadic regulation of emotion it is the ability of two people to regulate so it's not a screen issue it's not the screen issue the real problem is that the screens are just winning the role which is the center technology is competing with you for your child's nervous system technology is becoming the source of primary regulation instead of the parent child dyadic regulation dyadic meaning two when we start to hand over our natural neurophysiologic process to technology then we are giving away our innate power

15:01attachment and bonding attachment is the dyadic regulation of emotion so here's oftentimes one of the bigger struggles and challenges and a lot of times I'll go start diving in off these going into these tangents and then I'm like oh my gosh it's already it's already an hour and I didn't cover half of what I wanted to cover I can't help it it's just what I do half the time we as adults are so stressed and here's what you gotta understand about stress is that stress causes you to constrict into survival when we constrict into survival we lose relationship when we lose relationship then there's great opportunities for imposters into our family relationships and one of those imposters is technology

15:57so what happens is conflict increases connection decreases screens become the regulator and your authority weakens I want you to think about this now remember this is not about the screens this is not about the screens this is about your diminishing ability to have regulatory impact in and on your child and to say that in even simpler terms this is about your diminishing relationship connection with your child now this isn't just your home and you're not failing I want all of you to understand all of you if you are in the world these days you know this is not just your home 2.5 hours a day that's the average screen time

16:53for 0-8 year olds 2.5 hours 40% have a tablet by age 2 1 in 4 have a phone by age 8 1 in 5 families use the screens to manage behavior why does taking away a screen feel so big why does it cause explosive reactions why does it cause power struggles why does it cause the guilt and the inconsistency and the exhaustion we're gonna talk about that stress kids do stress things so if I say that if I say why do why does taking away a screen feel so big and then I say stress kids do stress things puts the connection put the connection together because it's really important this isn't a parenting failure this is happening everywhere this is truly an us against them who's them the individuals as well meaning as they may have been or may have started have created devices

17:49that are stepping in between parents and their children it's bad enough to have other adults and other stressed out adults stepping in between you and your child but now we have devices this is something I want you to understand when oh gosh let me see when when I first started doing this work when I first started doing this work which was in the late 90s so in the late 90s during the decade of the brain I was doing some of my first lectures and there was an article in Newsweek and it said at that time

18:46and I'm gonna ask you a question so we go all the way back during the era where there was very little internet where the internet was brand new so dial up was still a thing the the internet the internet services that we had were still connected services like cable services there was no YouTube there was no TikTok there was no Facebook during that time and let's say this was probably 2000 2001 there was an average there was a study

19:41that estimated the average amount of quality parent child attention in a day this is in 2000, before cell phones pager cell phones what do you think it was now if you've heard me lecture before you've heard me say this before then you don't get to answer but in the late 90s early 2000 what do you think was the average amount of quality parent child attention put it in the chat put it in the chat and let me know I'm going way back that's right I'm going I'm going way back I've been around here a long time the grays tell it all there are pictures out there where there is no grays but I still you know sometimes I'm like oh my gosh well look I have filters on this is a filter free what do you think it was how what was the average amount of

20:37parent quality parent child attention in the late 90s early 2000 just take a guess put it in there alright 2.5 2.5 30 minutes okay come on give me a couple more two hours alright let's go give me a couple more let me tell you what it was 12 minutes in the late 90s early 2000s the average amount of quality parent child attention was 12 minutes 12 minutes now we've got YouTube now we've got TikTok now we've got all of the all of the snapchats the face times what do you think it is now what do you think it could possibly be now now I want you to really think about that because that is really important to this subject

21:33that we are discussing

21:38stress kids do stress things the nervous system truth this is not defiance it's dysregulation see you think that your child's unwillingness to get off of the device is about them being defiant towards you it's not it's about dysregulation oh my god that's such a that is such a paradigm shifting brain bending idea if you can grasp that this is going to move you 80% along the way here's what you're up against the competition a cell phone a Game Boy an Xbox is an instant reward endless novelty it's constantly

22:33constantly new you know what the back when I said the 12, 12 minutes and I'm pulling these stats from way back because I've been doing this a long time because I've been lecturing a long time so I used to lecture and share these stats you know what the average adult attention span was now this is a this is a this is going to blow your mind you know what the average adult attention span was 25 years ago the average adult attention span 25 years ago was seven minutes seven minutes do you know what technically I should be doing this the whole time I should actually actually this has been studied because now the average adult attention span is from three to 11 seconds so if you watch a kid's television show

23:30you'll find this fascinating because I have great kids so I watch kids that's all that's on the freaking TV when they come to visit it just all the freaking kids shows all the time and then they they're busy doing other stuff not even watching the television but it needs to be on watch what happens every three seconds you see that every three seconds the screen's changing we have no attention span we're completely distracted I have my cell phone on silent right now it's on silent I'm not gonna look at it until I'm done talking to you all we're completely distracted and you know what it's constant stimulation

24:27screens are getting faster it's a reward cycle it's constant stimulation and it's dopamine so this is important this is this is important research has studied that when kids are on devices it puts their brains into a flow state which is an optimized brain chemical state all of us serotonin, neurotransmitters, dopamine oxytocin it's all optimized cortisol, adrenaline it's all optimized it feels good that's why you can't stop TikToking TikToking TikToking and they call it brain rot my I have a 12 year old I have a 14 year old sister I lose their ages sometime cause I'm getting older I have a 14 year old sister my dad's 73 years old

25:22his wife's 46 I have a 14 year old sister and a 12 year old half sister half siblings my I was in I went to North Carolina to visit them South Carolina to visit them last week my 14 year old said that she has been putting herself on a what's that one with all the not Reddit Pinterest she's been putting herself on a Pinterest detox because she realized she had been watching Pinterest five hours a day and this kid is really bright but that's why they're calling it brain rot because your brain chemicals are optimized so when you're on it, it feels good and I need all of you

26:17to stop saying it's you against their screen because sometimes it's you against your own screen how often, how long are you going during the day without being on Instagram or being on Facebook or being on TikToking I think TikTok is like the most challenging right now and I'm not even on TikTok I have friends that send me TikTok links that I'm like, nope, can't do it I'm not even on Facebook I have friends that send me Facebook can't do it now you'll see stuff posted on me on my Bryan Post official on Facebook but that's because it comes from Instagram everything that I any social media I do is almost Instagram or it's YouTube and it's just because I love to try to learn new stuff and so think about this and then here's the opposite side here's the reality parenting is slower

27:13parenting is slower I'm in the, I'm from the country I grew up in Mountain View, Oklahoma with cows and horses in fact, right now in my backyard I got cows, I have horses I have pasture that's all I see out from the back of my from my office here it's slow I am a slow country boy parenting is slower kids seek relief screens provided instantly parents react instead of regulate screens aren't reacting they're like the best friend they're like the best friend they are, the screen is the teenage friend it's the Eddie Haskell dating myself it's the teenage friend that none of you like but you tolerate them until it gets too much and then you try to intervene and then it becomes ugly stress trains the brain to expect fast rewards

28:06why transitions explode now this is the challenge here's the challenge and this is all very challenging because there's nothing that Bryan Post teaches that doesn't come back to high parental responsibility not blame not blame high parental responsibility the screens are not gonna just shut themselves off you're going to have to become a source of connection and soothing and comfort and joy and brain optimization greater or at least equal to what your child gets from that device and if you can't do that you're gonna struggle so here's why transitions explode

29:01because you go from high stimulation and high control you're controlling everything you get to control everything right at your fingertips it's not the screen it's the exit why? because you go from being having high stimulation and high control to low stimulation and now someone else is controlling you you're not in and again you're interrupting a state what is a state? a state level of activation we all have four levels of memory activation we have a cognitive we have emotional we have a motor and we have a state your state level is your brainstem level of activation so when you're in a state you're in a personality state you're in a state of being that means you're in your brainstem so you're not just ending a game you're interrupting a state

29:58so there is a crash that is going to occur and you've got to be prepared for that what gets replaced? screens don't just add they replace they replace eye contact they replace development they replace movement, connection, boredom we're not managing screens we're protecting development this is the thing as our children move more and more towards screens they are losing out on other important developmental areas but we can't just take the screen away because this is the future and it is the present it's where things are at right now

30:39so the parent mirror this is very important your child is learning from you your phone use your reactions your consistency or your inconsistency you can't lead what you haven't regulated so here's the thing you have path one you stay reactive so path one you stay reactive negotiating, threatening being inconsistent being exhausted being exhausted and what's the what's the inconsistent the inconsistent is one day you give an hour or two hours with a limit the next day you give unlimited amounts of time and another day you're like no you've had enough screen time

31:35that's inconsistent guess what the brain does with inconsistency the brain perceives inconsistency as a threat so you can choose to stay reactive remember reactive is without thought it's emotional emotion is energy and energy in motion it's unconscious when you're reacting comes straight from your amygdala it's a reaction now a response which is the opposite which is path two is with thought it's with mindfulness it's with awareness but if you're reactive then you start negotiating you're negotiating the time you know why you negotiate the time you negotiate the time because you have not prepared ahead of time you've not already thought about it ahead of time these are things that you have to think about ahead of time

32:31you have to have conversations about ahead of time you can have conversations about how much electronics your child's gonna have access to you can have that conversation at breakfast you can have that conversation the night before you don't have to wait right up until the moment that the interaction's gonna happen and then the threatening if you don't get off then I'm gonna take this oh my gosh so many parents revert to threatening it's like it's like we have gone from I hope not spanking your children even though 90% of adults still feel it's okay to hit a child two years old or older we've gone and that's Murray Straus New Hampshire University we've gone from hopefully not hitting to then just threatening and what you don't realize that's on the same continuum when you threaten there's only so much you can threaten

33:27and then what happens when you finally threaten and you take the thing away and your child goes berserk well you've taken the thing away now there's no guarantee that they're not gonna go berserk another time another time and another time taking the thing away doesn't keep them from going berserk this is the confusion this is what stress does it's the paradox of stress and fear or we can lead with structure regulation first now we're making a little shift here we're making a shift regulation first now where does that come from where does regulation come this is probably the hardest part of the whole webinar for you to embrace you're gonna hear this you're gonna hear this but I'm gonna go right back to where we begin every day counts every moment counts every minute counts they're all valuable they're all precious every day your child keeps doing the same thing

34:23their brain is getting more and more conditioned to do that thing which means your job to interrupt it and change it and create a new pathway is getting more and more difficult the second part of this repetition and emotional impact you've got to continue learning and studying and growing and being in a supportive community and you've got to continue having opportunities to learn through emotional impact regulation first whose regulation your regulation what does regulation mean regulation means the ability to maintain stress within a window of tolerance your ability to maintain stress within a window of tolerance your ability to practice your breathing

35:19breathe with me why is this important it's not just important it's critical breathing is the one proven way to interrupt your stress physiology if you're not breathing you're holding your breath and your cortisol is increasing you've got to condition yourself to breathe it is the most important thing it is so important there's nothing I could teach that's more important than getting yourself conditioned for breathing because when you're breathing you're thinking listen to this when you're breathing now just go on through just go on day to day inhale and exhale that's not the kind of breathing I'm talking about I'm talking about when stress sets in

36:16and your first reaction is to hold your breath and cortisol spikes your brain that's what I'm talking about breathing in that moment breathing as you see that moment escalating breathing in that moment because that keeps your thinking online and it keeps your short term memory turned on that is the part of your brain that reminds you that you're not going to die and I need everyone to hear that you're not going to die but you cannot you cannot stay out of that death loop if you cannot practice your breathing so you got to breathe inhaling and exhaling inhaling and exhaling so regulation first it's your regulation getting yourself regulated

37:12clear systems clear systems this becomes really important because your child understands it's spoken it's already it's already been stated it's the structure it's the ideas it's the framework this is how we operate so what that does is it allows the brain to predict see when the brain can't predict because you're unpredictable because it's unpredictable or you're inconsistent then the brain automatically starts to release cortisol then calm authority you cannot have calm authority if you cannot be regulated calm authority is the key but calm authority comes from an internal place it doesn't come from a place of threatening

38:09it doesn't come from a place of yelling it comes from a place of focused connected awareness which gives you power and authority this I think I think we've I said this on a podcast once that many of the things that we've learned are actually inverted and I think this is one of them it's like spanking your child when they're acting out well that's actually the exact opposite thing of what you should do because that's just going to create more stress which is going to cause an act out even more I think this thing about authority we've been we've been taught about authority figures I don't think those people had any authority at all

39:07I think they were fear figures not authority figures because if you have authority then you have the ability to influence the lives of others and that authority doesn't stop in your absence that's important I think we were taught that authority figures were authority figures because of the fear tactics they used because of their attempts to have power over us but when they were not present they had no authority like my mother has authority over me and she's not present but she has authority over me because I love her

40:04and I know she loves me I have authority over my team they work even when I'm not right there beside them but that authority comes out of respect it comes out of love and it comes out of calm and it comes out of passion I'm not always calm but I'm never mean and when I'm not calm I'm not attacking I'm passionate so calm authority is important and then connection plus limits this is so important you hear so simply that you're going to miss it connection plus limits you can set a limit see this is what we also learned we also learned to set limits not to teach our children

41:00but to punish our children see we've got discipline confused with punishment discipline teaches punishment is punishment discipline is teaching you got to set limits not to punish you set limits in order to teach but when you're setting limits you have to have connection because you have to have relationship because that's the missing piece that's the thing that technology is taking away from us is the relationship and not only the relationship but the regulated relationship reactive parents guess regulated parents train, I love this bottom line, no pressure just clarity reactive parents guess how many times have you found yourself

41:56trying to guess what is going to happen or what might happen or to guess what you think you might do how many times have you found yourself guessing versus how many times have you put yourself on a path to train to get better to make it an innate part of who you are to even have some level of obsession about whatever the struggle is or whatever the challenge may be to deeply understand it so that you can master it see reactive parents guess regulated parents train is so important no pressure just clarity

42:44so here's the screen reset sequence this is a simple repeatable way to lead screens without power struggles now I want to establish something with you this is going to take some time it's not going to take as much time as you think it's going to take a lot less time than any of the other stuff you've been dealing with but it's going to take some time because this is about changing the brain that's the repetition there are two ways to change your brain and this is a brain based challenge there are two ways what are the two ways repetition and emotional impact how many times have I said that so far in this talk within 45 minutes now see I looked at that I look at the time I know I'm talking too long within 45 minutes I've said that at least four times repetition and emotional impact five times repetition and emotional impact this is how you change your brain

43:40so you've got to be able to continue studying so number one you regulate yourself number two you reduce the battle this is important number three you reconnect number four you reestablish leadership and number five you redirect so let's talk about each one step one regulate yourself slow down lower your tone get grounded get present you cannot regulate your child from a dysregulated state a stressed out parent can't regulate a stressed out child so I don't care where you're at right now in your technology battle let's say your child is on five hours and all you've done is fuss and turn off the internet because you turn off the modem and threaten and take away that's where you're at it's just where you're at here's what we're going to start doing the screen reset sequence

44:35number one regulate yourself breathe slow down if you're not in a good state don't even approach the situation leave it alone leave it alone because no one's going to die because here's the truth if your child's on it for another hour or another two hours or another 10 hours no one's going to die slow down slow down number two reduce the battle so obviously we all know about transitions hey it says give warnings I don't like that word warnings we're going to change that you give them notice hey this is you know it's going to be happening 10 minutes going to be time to get off the get off the phone but I like to set it ahead of time

45:31before you even begin get in agreement this is how much time but this is this is kind of kind of putting the horse before the cart because what you need to understand is that when you take away the device you need to be ready to replace it with your presence when you take the device away be ready to replace it with your presence don't take your child's device away and then you go in the kitchen and turn on YouTube and start cooking if you take the device away ask your child to come in the kitchen and start cooking with you and YouTube goes off or they bring their phone and you pull up a recipe together and they tell you and you mix ingredients the phone's still there but now it's educational and it's connected and it's regulated so when you think

46:27removal you have to think replacement use routines routines create predictability end at natural stopping points at the end of the show not in the middle of the show at the end of the episode not in the middle of the episode at the end of the game not in the middle of the game what's the stopping the ending point for the game why because it helps the transition so you're giving you're giving notice 10 minutes hey it's winding down 10 minutes predictable ending as soon as this is done we're done what's the time what are we looking at so you gotta get a little bit more active you gotta be a little bit more present but that's it you're giving some time you're giving time to transition then you reconnect first make eye contact be present use a calm tone

47:22use a calm tone connection before correction here's what I want all of you to understand if you're at 5 hours or 2 hours it's gonna be really hard to get down to 1 hour your child's gonna feel offended but they're only gonna feel offended if you're not replacing they're only gonna feel offended if you're removing and not replacing you gotta replace with you so you have some responsibility in this because I don't just believe in taking away technology I believe technology is important I believe it's where we're at in our world and I don't think it's gonna change but what we have to do is we have to continue to maintain our relationships in the presence of technology that's the key that's the key

48:12so you reestablish leadership it's clear it's calm it's consistent it's clear it's calm it's consistent leadership is not loud it's steady now this is important I'm gonna give you a situation some of you are gonna have today you're gonna say hey I don't feel like we've been spending enough time together so I wanna start spending some time together so every day at from 5 to 6 we're gonna go for a walk that's football field just me and you I'm gonna go for a walk I know it's gonna be hard but from 5 to 6 that's what we're gonna be doing so after school you get your phone from 4 to 5 let's say I'm making this up 5 to 6 we're gonna go walk 4 to 5 comes you say hey it's time to go

49:07they're not gonna get off they're not gonna get off it's not gonna be that easy you do all the things you do all the sequence you give the notice you calm, you focus give the notice here's the thing at 5 o'clock when they haven't gotten off you go behind them give them a little hug don't say another thing listen to me I am giving you a hack you don't say another thing you say it makes me sad that you couldn't get off but I understand it's really stressful it feels really good it's hard to get off of something that feels really good which is also stress I'm gonna go walk and I'll be back leave leave

50:03don't say another thing remember we have to reshape the brain we have to create a new pattern you're not gonna create a new pattern so if they let you get out of the house because sometimes by removing just that threat they will transition fast enough and then follow you come with you but if they let you get out and you come back and they're still in the game don't say anything else go about your day go about your day and then when they finally put it down I would not say another thing I wouldn't say another thing then when it's finally put down I want you to remain quiet you know do what you gotta do as a parent let them feel it let them feel the weight of the guilt of not getting off when they were asked to

50:59and then the next day you say I think an hour was too long so today we're gonna do 45 minutes 45 minutes 45 minutes an hour was too long yesterday it was too long and it's my fault I let you down because when when you're able to maintain your window of tolerance on that device you're able to transition so that we can go take our walk but when I let you be on there too long you can't transition and then we miss out on time together I miss out on time with you and I really want time with you so today you get 45 minutes from 4 o'clock to 4:45 and then at 5 we're gonna go for our walk okay that's not fair I want my full hour

51:54an hour's way too long you were actually on your phone last night 8 hours that made me really sad and so you're gonna go through the same process again they're gonna have their time you're gonna give them their notice you can give them their little indicators of the transition and then watch what happens they're gonna struggle they're gonna struggle but they're gonna come closer to getting off when it's time if they don't and I love to give the if they don't because I know how it works back it down another 15 minutes but it's not punishment it's taking responsibility it's me saying look I'm obviously giving you too much time

52:50because your brain can't work when you're on that thing for even 45 minutes so today it's gonna be 30 minutes and tomorrow is gonna be 15 and until I can see that your brain is still working and I'll know your brain is working when you're able to put it down and we can go have our walk and I can have my time and you can have your time then we're just gonna back it up until maybe there's nothing because if it's that stressful I can't keep letting you be on it you get the point you see where I'm going with this you're having to take responsibility you are removing and you are replacing but when your child transitions and they go on that walk with you they're not gonna want to go I don't want to go for a walk I hate walking with you you walk too slow

53:48calm authority I understand I appreciate how you feel but this is important we're gonna have this walk and if I gotta go for a walk without you I'm gonna go for a walk without you and tomorrow we'll try it again just wait, you go slow and then you head to the door and then they follow you and you get to the track and they mope and they whine and before you know it you're walking around that track and you're talking to your child and you're laughing and you're inquiring and you're being in relationship whether it takes a day whether it takes a week or whether it takes two weeks all of you have it within your capacity that's the formula that's the formula you just have to be willing to invest the time and take the responsibility

54:42all right, post so we have one question what about computer use for schools my son says he's doing his homework and he clearly is not because he isn't passing any classes how can I help manage his laptop do homework together and set homework time for 30 minutes or set homework I'm not a homework advocate I don't even like homework at all so I say do homework together get homework done as soon as possible and then the computer goes away now if you let him be on games or whatever the rest of the time then set a structured time say hey, we got laptop for homework and we got laptop for fun we're going to do homework and then at this time you can do fun time but we're not going to say we're doing homework and then be playing a game that's not fair to either of us

55:38because that's you not being honest and that's me not making sure that you're getting everything done that needs to be done so that's what I do, I just break it up I just say we're going to do homework together and then here's your time you can do fun time and I'm not even going to mess with you that's what I do that's what I personally would do I'm a different kind of parent I'm a different kind of parent because I'm not a fearful parent and it's taken me a long time to not be a fearful parent but I'm not a fearful parent and I know the long game see I'd rather have I'd rather get into all the reasons for why he doesn't want to do homework with me and all the reasons why he can't have it as fun and I can hear

56:33I can hear a parent saying well they're not supposed to use it for fun okay, but they do he's not doing his homework on it now he's doing it for fun so just because the school has told you he's not supposed to use it for fun doesn't mean anything doesn't mean anything this is your home, your control if they want to send the homework home then you get to set the rules that's what I'd do

56:59replace the regulation movement, food, play, connection listen to these things not do chores not go do yard work not fold your clothes not do laundry not wash dishes it doesn't say any of these things it says movement my example was the track I go walk almost every day movement dude let's go eat let's go get some dessert let's go enjoy something together play let's play a game let's go shoot some hoops let's go rollerblade let's wrestle I did a little video the other day about dads wrestling with boys with kids with boys and girls it doesn't matter it's so important when dads are present wrestle with your kids it's the best thing that's so much fun and it also balances testosterone and it triggers oxytocin

57:55and it's like something that has just been a lost art because we as adults get so stressed and connection just connection and connection could be just turning on music just turning on music and being in the home and no one has to do anything you don't have to do anything you just turn on some music and everyone relaxes or you watch a show together see the significance with technology is don't let technology be in between you and your child you can join your child in the technology you can sit beside your child while they're playing video games and you can put your arm around them and you can be halfway interested and then you can zone out and then you can be halfway interested some more and you still got your arm around them or you're rubbing their back or you're asking them to tell you about it you're connecting don't let the technology

58:51don't let the device be between you and your child because the device becomes the catalyst and not you that's what's important don't just remove the screen replace the state ooh I love that the state, the state level of memory of brainstem build structure, decide in advance when, where, how long, what kind structure removes negotiation what are your favorite things

59:19the goal isn't less tech it's better use now this is, you're not going to hear from very many people talk about this right now the majority of people when it comes to technology are consumers what if you requires your child to do 50-50 if they're going to consume they've got to produce first if they're going to consume they've got to learn something first they got to watch an educational video first they got to learn, they got to play with it show you how to use AI they got to show you some different part of the world and what's interesting about that part of the world and then they got to think about how to create a business they got to think maybe you show them how to go on eBay and compare prices

1:00:15of things what if you're giving your children that instead of consuming they become producers create a YouTube channel if they want to consume they need to learn social media learn social media why is it value why are there kids making millions of dollars on social media nowadays if your kids want to consume by watching those kids require your children to produce by learning about what those kids are doing to make that amount of money and require your child to start moving towards doing something similar themselves because what will happen when you start producing more you will start consuming less like I'll go all day and I won't be on Instagram I won't be on YouTube and in the morning I'm on YouTube when I'm on the way to the gym

1:01:11but as soon as I get to the gym I turn on music on my way home I turn on YouTube because I'm usually listening to an interview I was listening to an interview this morning or in the middle of the night in the middle of the night when I wake up which I usually do around 2 o'clock in the morning I love to scroll that's my doom scrolling and a lot of times I'll scroll for 30 minutes and then I'll put it on YouTube and I'll find a long form video and I'll put a little headset in my ear and I'll go back to sleep that's the way I do it because I'm not a consumer I'm a producer if I'm consuming, I'm consuming what other people are learning and figuring out how I can learn so I can produce this whole slideshow is produced on an AI platform that I consumed and I learned I learned it I consumed it well I didn't really consume it

1:02:07Jasmine consumed it I learned about it, Jasmine consumed it and she helps me produce if I had my druthers I'd be on no technology at all no phone calls, no texts, no social media no nothing I'm country I want to stare at an open pasture help your children create help your children learn to make things help your children learn to build things learn to design things AI is here and it's the future I'm focusing on your children not consuming start focusing on your children producing, do something together produce something together what if you and your child Lord knows if you're in California I'm in Texas today I come back and forth to California Lord knows the gas prices are astronomical I got gas here it was $4.50 it may have been $4.90

1:03:03I know you're feeling it out there consuming is not going to help us pay our bills production is teach your children how to produce let's just change, let's just flip the script if your child's producing all of a sudden a few thousand a few tens of thousands a few hundreds of thousands of dollars do you think you'd have any issue with them being on technology then? an honest question if your child was producing $10,000 a month do you think you would have the same issues with them being on technology it'd probably be a completely different conversation but if they were producing $10,000 a month then I could assure you that they're consuming a lot less of the trash a lot less of the brain rot

1:03:59so here's what success looks like the truth this does not fix itself pattern it doesn't strengthen one rehearse that's the brain these brain based patterns you got to go through the process you got to set the limit you got to reinforce the limits and if you remove you got to replace if you remove you got to replace don't remove and don't replace that's a recipe for disaster to remove and don't replace that's how you get children left to their own devices that's what success looks like that's what success looks like

1:04:35so where you are right now now I want to speak to those of you as parents who feel like you are in crisis if you feel like you're in crisis I'm going to do a couple of things I'm trying to I'm trying to I'm trying to I'm trying to I'm trying to I'm going to do a couple of things I'm trying to really dial this in number one if you are struggling if you're in crisis if you want to learn more if you want to grow if you want to engage in positive repetition in a community if you want support if you want to learn if you want to attend the camps whatever I want you to you can email support at feartolove.com and Jasmine just put that email that's going to be the easiest and then we'll get that to Edgar

1:05:31but here's the thing if you're in crisis if you showed up because this has hit a crisis point for you meaning your child's on medication your child's been in residential maybe they're getting ready to come home or you're thinking about sending them to residential your child has a diagnosis you're in counseling on a weekly basis then you're in crisis I call that living in the trauma triangle if you're having if you had a yelling match with your child this morning you're probably at some peak level crisis we provide for adoptive families for adoptive families stick with me for adoptive families we have two different wraparound programs that you could participate in if you're in the northern area it's called LEAF if you're in the central area it's called Love Pathways for biological families for grandparents we have coaches

1:06:27that provide coaching and this is through our feartolove.com platform this is why I'm just email support at feartolove.com and we will we will talk to you and assess what your need is and get you on the right path but if you're adopted and you're in crisis then we need to explore wraparound if you're not in crisis and everyone can do this everyone can do this you can download Bondify I want everyone to download Bondify Bondify is my AI powered parent support app we're about to do a research study for Bondify and I'm going to be doing Q&As live Q&As every week if you're in Bondify so you can ask me any question but in Bondify you can text any question right away this is free

1:07:23there's no cost there's no cost any issue any challenge you can talk to me it's created based off of my 30 years of knowledge so every single one of you can do Bondify but if you're living if you live in the Modesto Stockton all the way over to San Jose down to Fresno vicinity and you're an adopted parent and you're in crisis then we have a wraparound program called Love Pathways you can take a picture of this QR code or you can type in this or we'll put it in the chat or you just email support@feartolove.com and we'll get you in the right place if you're in Sacramento and up Chico, Redding all the way over to Napa and Santa Rosa everywhere in between then we have a wrap program

1:08:19that I've certified in my Fear to Love methodology and it's called LEAF Wraparound and that's what it serves you can take a picture of that or that or pull that link everyone can download Bondify if you've enjoyed this webinar if you know that every moment matters then these are great places to start you can lead this we gotta have regulated parents regulated parents lead regulated parents lead trauma responsive parents train you've gotta train emotional impact and repetition this is how we change your brain you don't change your brain by going and just doing the same thing you've always been doing if you need support you gotta get support that's the repetition

1:09:15love based parents prepare that's beautiful responsibility love protects love prepares love trains this isn't about controlling your child it's about becoming the leader they need so here's what I want to ask you what feels hardest right now what feels hardest right now these three questions here what feels hardest where are the transitions breaking down and what part of the sequence feels the hardest one two three four five so I just want you to take a moment type that in chat we're winding down here I've done okay what feels the hardest what are the where are the transitions breaking down

1:10:11what part of the sequence feels the hardest I'm gonna play a video for you all I love this little video

1:11:13it simply means we are all trying to climb Everest we're all trying to climb Everest every single one of us every day as parents our children are our most valuable resource whether you go it alone whether you do nothing whether you have support you gotta go through every single day it doesn't matter we all have to go through every single day and some of you will be on this webinar and you won't do anything different and that's okay it's just not time it's just not time some of you will take this information and you'll go out there and you'll start climbing Everest all on your own with your family and that's great I commend that but everyone knows most people don't make it

1:12:09to the top of Everest some of you will find a Sherpa and that's what I am I'm an emotional Sherpa that's what I do I've been up and down Everest a thousand times and I want to support you on your journey because I know that's how you're going to be successful because I know that every day counts every day counts so again just to recap if you're in central California and you're adopted parents you're in crisis you're struggling I've got some of our wraparound families on here today God bless you I love you you can reach out if you're in northern California Sacramento up you can reach out here and definitely everyone please download Bondify

1:13:05it is a free resource tons of education books, articles community and any crisis situation you have you can ask me you can text it to me and you will get an immediate response it is an amazing platform I'm going to be doing a research study with Bondify pretty soon that everyone is going to have an opportunity to participate in and I'll be doing live weekly Q&As and that's it

1:13:33Jasmine do you have any questions yes so we have one regarding the my 16 year old is obsessed with learning how to produce so when they maybe make money he thinks it's more important to always be on his phone than anything he might actually fail school so half of the stuff he gets off the internet is not ethical not respectful it's a fast way of making money without work it's not really appropriate priorities okay so take some time understand what his goals are so this is a perfect opportunity understand what his goals are understand what he's motivated to want to do

1:14:28and then help him find a mentor help him find a mentor that can guide him go to a conference take him to a conference this is a big this is a big area where parents miss a big opportunity and it reminds me of the dad who said his son never looks at him and then we're I'm setting a dinner with the dad and the son and the son's talking to the dad and dad's got his face down his plate and I was like oh that's interesting join him in his hustle not to criticize not to critique but to help guide and nurture and influence him I know so many so many top internet marketing people

1:15:23some of them are dear friends that I've known for 25 years that run 100 million Alex Hormozi is out there right now he did 125 million dollars in a day I've known Alex for 20 years Russell Brunson Russell Brunson developed a software called ClickFunnels it's a billion dollar company these guys I've known these guys forever there's so many great mentors out there even in I don't know where you're at I don't know where you're located but email me support@feartolove.com it'll get sent to me if I can guide him and direct him and get him with a mentor that can put him on the right path and also express the importance of getting school done then let us support you don't like this why I said I'm an emotional Sherpa this is what we do you don't have to do

1:16:19any of this stuff alone no one has to do any of this alone you don't do any of this stuff alone we can support you whatever the need is but join him find a conference go to a conference with him you guys join him together let him feel like you're supporting him and when he feels like you're supporting him and not being critical because you're saying it's not ethical but do you really know do you have an internet business are you an entrepreneur do you really know if it's ethical or not ethical or does it just seem like it's not ethical because there are great opportunities out there I know a guy right now who lives in Dallas his name is Chris Korner the guy is such a genius in all he does is internet he just teaches people internet related businesses all the time it's all he does

1:17:15but anyway join him don't be afraid don't be afraid you can still help him to feel strong enough and confident enough to approach school but find out what the goals are where he's going slow down slow down breathe

1:17:33what else you got, Jasmine alright I have hardest hardest is when I say put the screen down and I still have to cook dinner clean, fold laundry and he doesn't want to do any of that I've gone days to spend time you know and the laundry piles up the dishes pile up and then she's overwhelmed and still he won't help oh gosh that is that is a years of an ingrained pattern so that's years of an ingrained pattern that is going to take some work but what did I just say I said don't remove and don't replace and so your thought is

1:18:29the device has got to get put down but nothing gets done the laundry, the dishes the foods got to get cooked all these overwhelming things so you're overwhelmed and then you want him to be overwhelmed too and he's not willing to do it so he's just not going to do anything so you're overwhelmed he's not going to put down the device even if he does put down the device he's just being asked to do something more overwhelmed and if you have a child this is what a lot of you don't realize is that sometimes you have children emotionally they're 5 and so you're asking a 15 year old to do something that a 5 year old couldn't possibly do so start small start small and build up and don't do laundry and food and all these things together connect first connection over correction replace if you remove

1:19:24connect first and then ask for something small connect and then ask for something small and maybe you do it together and find out the thing that he can feel really good about and then condense it down into digestible chunks don't give him a whole steak give him a piece give him a piece and let him do that and let him feel good about that and in the meantime you're the parent you're overwhelmed you're going to continue to have to do stuff and then you're eventually going to have to set limits you're continuing to pay for all the things and this is probably a part of the ingrained pattern you've probably been doing for been doing for all these years instead of doing with

1:20:20so now you want them to do with or you want them to do it because he's not going to do it because he's ingrained so you got to get back to the connection you got to do digestible chunks what if he was 5 years old what would you do if he was 5 years old what would you request yeah maybe he's 18 pretty soon he's going to have to do all the stuff on his own so if he hasn't learned it which I assume he probably hasn't learned it I assume on a really good day when he's really regulated he could wash the clothes he could fold them he could put them away and he could cook the meal and he could clean up now if you can say yes he could do that and you know he could do that then you've already done what you need to do the next thing you got to realize let's say if he's 18 he's going to have to figure this out on his own pretty soon but in the meantime small bites

1:21:15connection first small task you keep doing the majority small task celebrate the accomplishment of the small things and go from there

1:21:29what else you got Jess I have a common trend of kind of confusion with children when they're in one place for example a group home or another parent and they transition into another home where the rules are different for the phones okay and so then they come home and they're like well I go to Patrick's house and I can watch all the TV or I can play all the games all I want and I come here and you're being all mean and I hate being here probably that whole experience yep correct yeah okay oh you know that's the beautiful part of limits you know why we don't set limits as parents because of parental guilt because when they go to parents house and who cares what they're doing over there and this is another thing

1:22:25I want to tell you before we get off I want all of you to know that I've been saying for 25 years use technology for what it is an effective babysitter use it for what it is an effective babysitter when your children are on their games or their devices or their television they are not bothering you praise the lord thank you Jesus go do what you need to do and get your stuff done so you can regulate yourself and then you start to remove and replace but use it for what it is now when your kids go to someone else's house who cares as long as they're not getting drunk having sex and doing crime who cares when you come home you've got to maintain the limit

1:23:21and you know how you do it first by dealing with your parental guilt secondly when they say when I'm at Patrick's house his family doesn't they let me do whatever oh my god that's great I love that for you I'm glad you were able to go over there I'm glad that they don't make you put the phone down that's fantastic what else? well you do, you put the limits on my phone yeah I have to because I love you that's the difference between being here vs. being there when you're over there they don't love you like I do they don't want to spend time with you like I do they don't want to see your eyeballs like I do they don't want to hug and love on you like I do but I want to hug and love on you but I don't want to spend time with you I understand that and I appreciate that.

1:24:16What else? What else? Tell me more. What else? What else? Can I have more time? I'd love for you to have more time. When we have our connection time, when I feel like you can transition off of it effectively, when I feel like it's not gonna interfere with school, when I feel like the other things that we need to get done, need to get done, I'd love for you to have more time. But right now, the limit's what the limit is. Do you hear that? That's calm authority, ladies and gentlemen, and it never has to change. The more escalated your child gets, the calmer you can get. The more escalated they get, the calmer you should get. And the more you should empathize, the more you should connect, the more you should understand, the more you should validate. That's great. That's great, that's fantastic.

1:25:12I love that for you. That's great. Well, can I? No, I'm sorry, honey, unfortunately not. Two hours. But you're 15 and you might decide not to get off in two hours. Now this is gonna take us down a whole another path. You're 15 and you might decide not to get off in 15 hours and in two hours and I can appreciate that. I can appreciate that. And we'll just address it tomorrow. Done, I wouldn't say anything else. Nine times out of 10, that's gonna get them to do what you've asked them to do. And if you don't, the next day comes, guess what? It's not two hours anymore. What is it? Hour and 45 minutes, hour and a half, hour and 15 minutes, an hour, why? Because obviously I let you have too much time because if you have too much time,

1:26:08your brain goes offline and you can't think clearly. That's it, consistently, consistently, consistently and predictably to the point that your child knows what you are going to say before you ask. That's why your child says, when your child, this is one of the greatest compliments you can ever get from your child. When your child says, go ask, go ask mom, because I know what she's gonna tell me. That is a great compliment. That means you have been consistent and predictable. You have been complimented.

1:26:54All right, Jess, one more. All right, another one is, I guess kind of trying to balance it out. So we have, for example, single moms or people who might not have the two hours at night to do homework on the laptop. So we see a trend of time in replacing the screens. What does that mean? You don't have enough time? There's not enough time? So let's see, I would love to sit down and work with him on homework, but I don't have two hours at night to do that. Oh, don't, stop, don't, hang on. Don't ever, do not ever take two hours to do homework.

1:27:56Okay, first of all, if your child is adopted or if they're in foster care or if they have any kind of early trauma history, they probably should have a 504 or an IEP. Get that homework crap modified. So don't ever spend two hours. I would not spend more than 30 minutes on homework. Not more than 30 minutes. And let me tell you how I do it. I would do it for my child or I would do one and they would do one. I would get it done as fast as humanly possible. Get it done as fast as humanly possible and move on to the rest of your freaking day and go connect and have fun and eat some good food and laugh and watch a show, but do not spend two hours on homework. That is terrible. No school should be sending home

1:28:51two hours with the homework. So do it as fast as you can. Use AI, get it done, move on, call it good. No one's gonna die. And you're talking to someone with seven kids. I have a husband, I have a son who welds rocket ships. I have a daughter that works for me. My kids are smart kids. They didn't miss out on a thing by not doing homework. And my grandkids won't do homework either, especially not with pop pop. Okay, what's the rest of that Jasmine? The other part was just being a single mom and getting the other parent kind of on the same page. A participant says she's a 27 year teacher and there is a ton of research that supports not doing homework.

1:29:46Thank you for that. I appreciate that. I do 100%. So I'm sorry Jasmine, what was that? Let me scroll up. Being a single mom, trying to balance it all. And then also- It's hard, it's hard. It's hard. Single parent, co-parents, oftentimes you're co-parenting, you don't agree on the same thing. Single parent, you're doing the whole alone. I got a mom, a single mom of two 12 year old twin boys. She's like absolute badass and she's exhausted and she works and she takes care of these boys and they have problems sleeping at night and they're aggressive, but she keeps showing up every single day. Parenting is difficult. In fact, one of my first books was called For All Things a Season.

1:30:41You can still find a used copy. First book, first line, parenting is difficult. Parenting is difficult. You have got to learn how to take care of yourself. You matter. Let me, I need everyone to hear me right now. And thank you all for hanging in here for so long. Like, that's awesome. You matter. You are the most important person in the world. You are more important than your child because without you, there is no child. You matter. Parenting is not easy. It is difficult because it's gonna stir up all of your old stuff. All of your old blueprints. It's gonna stress you out and in this stressed out world where we have a government that's going absolutely insane.

1:31:37We have gas prices and food prices and food that is we don't even know what we're eating anymore. We live in a scary world and you're doing the best you can with your child. And I need you to give yourself permission to slow down and breathe. Take a deep breath. Know that you don't have to do this all by yourself. You don't have to do this all by yourself. Slow down. And we can get through it one day at a time. Take more bubble baths, eat more dessert and then walk more laps after the track and get some fresh air. Do things to take care of yourself because you matter.

1:32:28All right, Jazz, last one for real, for real. All right, so we have someone that says, I think you were talking about decreasing the time. Yes. You said, what if your child reaches zero minutes? If they reach zero minutes. No, then the thing just goes away. It just goes away. It's just, that's okay. Here's what I want you to understand. I'm just gonna put these up here real quick once more more time. LEAF Wraparound if you're in the Sacramento, Northern California, Chico Redding, Napa, Santa Rosa area, Love Pathways if you're in the Stockton, Sacramento, Modesto, San Jose, Fresno areas and then Bondify. Bondify is free to all of you. I better see some freaking downloads come through for Bondify. I can't imagine you be on this webinar

1:33:23and you would not download Bondify to help give you more education, more support. You're not gonna get this information everywhere. And if you don't have more repetition, you're just gonna forget it when it's done. So here's the thing. If your child gets down to zero minutes, that tells you that their window of tolerance is not big enough to be able to handle the stress that the device is creating. So here's the hard conversation we're gonna have to have sweetheart. And let me tell you, I have a parent who takes away her 17 year old cell phone all the time. And it's gotten to the point that they'll argue about it for like two days, like battle. But then the 17 year old just settles in and she just like moves on with her life. We all have to go through detox.

1:34:20If you lost your phone, you would go through detox for probably two days. So if your child gets down to zero, you need to be having some conversations at 15. Sweetheart, this is not going well. These devices are obviously really working against us. But babes, if we get down to 10 minutes and you still can't put it down, then we're just gonna get rid of it for a while. And we'll get rid of it for a couple of weeks, maybe a few months. And then we'll reintroduce it. So it's not gonna go away forever, but it's gonna go away. And you're gonna be really upset about that. And I understand, and I'm gonna support you right through it. Cause I'm gonna be really upset about it too. Cause now all of a sudden you don't have a device. So you're gonna be in my hair all the time. So you don't have a device to keep you occupied. You're gonna be up my butt all the time.

1:35:15And that stresses me out. So I really want you to be able to transition off, but I'm not gonna keep, I'm not gonna keep putting you in a position to be overwhelmed and completely stressed out. So that's the conversation you gotta have. And then be prepared for your child to struggle with the withdrawals, cause we all would. But this is where you have to have calm authority. You have to be consistent. You have to be predictable. And that's gonna have secondary impact for your relationship. Because when your child comes home and the television's gone or the Xbox is gone or the cell phones are gone, and s**t gets really real, then you're gonna have to go through an adjustment.

1:36:10And it may be a day. There might be a lot of yelling and cussing and some things might get broken. They might run away for a few hours, whatever, let's go through it. Let's go through it. We'll go through a day, two days, three days. And finally when they realize you're not gonna collapse and give in, they'll regulate. And then you all move on and start doing other things. And then when you decide or when you go to them and you ask them, are you ready? This is my classic time-in formula. You give the child, bring the child into you until they feel like they've had enough. So you just say to your child, are you ready to go back doing what you're doing? They'll tell you if they've had enough or not. Limits, no parental guilt. Let's not have parental guilt. Let's get rid of parental guilt and let's set limits and let's be consistent and let's be predictable

1:37:06and let's have calm authority. God bless each and every one of you. Don't do this alone, you have support, it's available to you. Let us support you. Thank you for being here. I'm so honored, thank you for being here. We will put this in a recording, clean it up, send it to you so you can watch it again.